Are We Making Progress?

Hi Guys!

So this week, Brad and I went to the cottage to “getaway” from it all. While we were there, the Jacob Blake story broke and was all over the news. I don’t usually get political on my blog but there are just so many things wrong with 2020 that, I’m not even sure how to move forward. Or is this what progress looks like?

People being called out for being this or being that? Is that what progress is? Racial injustices being filmed; some cases being resolved, while others will never see justice. Is this progress? I honestly can’t tell. I guess we won’t know until 10 years from now. Maybe we can’t see progress while it’s happening. I’m sure in the middle of famous wars or battles they also felt like, it would never end and had moments where they wondered if this fight was even worth fighting. I guess it is.

It’s hard to be happy in a relationship when you aren’t happy by yourself. This year has been one of the hardest of my life. I don’t think I have ever faced so much uncertainty as a professional but also as a woman of color. Being in a constant state of worry, does have nasty side effects on being in a loving relationship.

I was horribly affected by the pandemic while Brad wasn’t. So in this scenario he does feel like he needs to be the strong one, the happy one, the together one. But I’m realizing that what’s happening around us is affecting us. We should try not to make it manifest into a monster but we should acknowledge that this year is unlike any other. It is affecting us. In a few years we will be able to see just how much it has changed the world.

Let’s hope that we do in fact see progress.

Be safe everyone and try to stay positive.

Keep Swimming

Hello Everyone!

So I am one of the lucky people who lost their jobs due to this pandemic and am literally on my 4th month of losing my mind,…… I mean 4th month of meditation. I know people think staying home is easy and it definitely is a lot easier than what many other countries have had to do during a pandemic. However, I am literally going bonkers. Treat this like a vacation everyone says, but at least on vacation I know that I would still be getting paid from my job.

I am so uneasy and isolated. Literally the theme of my quarantine. The government mandates us not to see people so we don’t see people. It also doesn’t help that my friends all live at least 45 minutes away and have bolstering social calendars.

I can’t figure out if I am isolated or self isolating. They are all still working so I feel like I don’t have much to discuss with them. My boyfriend is still working as well. So basically no one that I speak to on the regular, understands how hard it is to not feel insane. I don’t want to say the D word but sometimes I feel it coming on.

Being off for 4 months doesn’t mean I did many summer like things with all my time off either. Many places are closed due to our impending doom aka covid 19. The people I want to spend time with are all working and don’t have time off. So this all blows.

I also of late have been having this feeling, that I could be doing so much more with my life. Like every time I have an idea to do something out of the box, I talk myself out of it. These past few months I have been trying to work on myself, but its hard for all that work to stick. I have honestly tried the positivity thing, like see all the good and not focus on the bad. It’s just all hard to do when you don’t feel great, but we must all fight on.

Quarantine Tips: Just keep swimming!

The Relevance Of Routine

Hi Guys,

In my last blog I referenced an episode of “Coronavirus, Explained” on Netflix. If you have watched it then great! If not please refer to my last blog “Coping Mechanism” and then watch it, in that order (hehehe). For those of us who have watched it and is now using all the coping mechanism, I commend you.

Just yesterday I was reading all my earlier blogs and I have realized how my blog has evolved over the years. It was at first about dating and the difficulties of associating with douche bags for lack of a better term. Now I am happily in a stable relationship with someone whom I actually see a future with. Yet, this pandemic, our feelings of isolation and global circumstances around it has taken over. I do apologize for all this content and do wish there was way more Juicier content to share. The most exciting thing Brad and I have been doing is a Marvel Movie Marathon, but by all means please let me know if you would like me to brief you on those. We are also going to the cottage again soon, so that’s always amazing.

I have stability in my love life which is great with everything else being upside down. Literally everyday now I try to have a routine for myself. I look for jobs for about 2 hours, which is honestly the most stressful part of my day. I try to incorporate a walk so I can get my steps in and then I try to give my day some kind of purpose.

This week I had a Handmaid’s Tale Day which was super intense but rewarding at the end. I am not going to lie, Handmaid’s tale makes me feel all kinds of feelings. I actually cried watching the season 3 finale. No spoilers but WOW. That’s all I will say.

I am going to try to give myself a purpose each day. Also lets keep in mind that I have been in quarantine since March and I am just now actually upholding to some kind of routine. So don’t feel bad if you haven’t found your groove yet Stella! (That’s a movie reference, let me know if you get it)

Anyway, just letting you know this has been helping me. I also love to sing and I love to write. So I am actively trying to write more blogs. So here you are apart of my routine!

Golden Rule: Find the routine that works for you and make it fun!

The Handmaid's Tale': TV's Most Chilling Trump-Era Series ...

Coping Mechanisms

Hi Guys,

So I watched a super interesting episode of explained yesterday on Netflix and I definitely wanted to share this with you. Some people I know watch the show Explained on Netflix and many people I know don’t. To those people I say why?! Do you not want to know the whats what on racism, the stock market, sex, and a plethora of other subjects. It is literally 30 minutes of pure information and pure fire. Should I be on the Netflix marketing team?

Anyway, the episode in question is about coping through all the stressors that this pandemic has caused. So this particular explained series is called “Coronavirus, Explained” and all the episodes are based on one aspect of how this Pandemic has changed our lives. I think everyone and I mean everyone should watch it. It just allows you to understand on a greater platform, what is actually taking place and how everyone on the planet is facing the same exact circumstances.

I won’t share any spoilers but I do want to touch on a few things. Over the past few months, I have been laid off and have had to struggle with major uncertainty in my life. With that being said; I have had trouble sleeping, I watch the news or is attached to some social media outlet constantly, I have anxiety and I have an overall feeling of isolation. Does any of this sound familiar? I mean most people all over the world is struggling with all the same things but knowing everyone is going through it as well, doesn’t really help me cope. What helps me cope is knowing what helps them cope, which is exactly what this episode explored.

I won’t tell you what those coping mechanisms are because I want you to watch the episode. What a tease I am right? What I will tell you is that it’s narrated by Idris Elba and like who doesn’t want to hear him talk for 30 minutes? You’re Welcome.

Golden Rule: Just take a few deep breaths and everything will eventually shift into its rightful place.

2020…. The Worst?

Hi Guys,

Are you over this year? Yeah me too. Things are getting crazier by the minute. Everything has been in complete upheaval starting with society, the economy, medical issues and environmental issues. The entire globe is on fire and not just for social change. Have humans on a whole just been tweeting and gramming ourselves into a black hole? Perhaps.

I myself as a Canadian woman of color have experienced injustices but I can only speak to the ones that I am aware of and of course I am lobbying for social change. Social change for black people and all other people of color who have been taught by society that they are some how less than or not good enough. I rarely get political on my blog but I will make my allegiances clear. Treating everyone no matter their color as equals is like 400 years over due.

That being said, this year has taught me a lot about myself and those I want to surround myself with. I saw this quote that said you have to decide when its okay to let go of people but also; to let go of the part of yourself that allowed those people to treat you badly. No one can treat you badly or make you feel less than, unless you allow them to. I am not doing that anymore. There are a lot of relationships in my life that needed some evaluation and I am proud to say they have been evaluated. People need to add positivity and value to your life just as you should to theirs.

I know this blog had been really heavy but this year has forced me to reflect on some pretty heavy things. As for Brad and I we are good. This year has put a monkey wrench in our plans and the rest of the world’s plans. So we are basically dealing with this massive delay in starting our lives together. However I must also see this as a well needed moment of rest and reflection. Everything happens for a reason. If we were meant to buy a house in 2020 we would have but maybe God has other plans.

Golden Rule: Stay positive and protect your energy.

Not Exactly Easy

Hi Folks!

So as I mentioned, I am not seeing Brad during this quarantine. It has now been almost a month. I am being super safe though I live with mom and she has to go out to work. She is also taking every precaution. Brad has to still go to work and he is taking precautions.

Knowing all this, I was hoping that Brad and I would still see each other periodically but Brad has told me that he is not comfortable with this. That’s a bit frustrating for me…… he said he is doing this because he doesn’t want me to get sick as I have Asthma. And also for his family.

At this point, he is seeing everyone in his life except for me. So needless to say, I am not excited about this whole scenario. He is doing this for the greater good of humanity. Me, I’m just going insane. My job is up in the air, lockdown just keeps extending but Atleast I still have my boo. Wait…. can’t see him either.

So during this time of not seeing each other, communication is key. I realize that communication for most men is hard and so that just makes me even more frustrated.

I was speaking to my mom about Brad’s decisions he’s made and how stubborn he is about everything. If he makes up his mind to do something for whatever reason; be it plausible or not, he’s gonna do it. Sometimes I’m pretty sure whatever I say has not effect at all on his decision making. My mom told me that this is never going to change. This is Brad. There is no bending or molding.

It’s been almost two years and now we don’t even see each other. We only communicate by text of phone. And so in this peculiar situation you start to notice things you didn’t before.

There is a pandemic happening and in these times you try to cling to what makes you feel safe or happy. It’s hard to cling to that thing when you feel like you have also been quarantined from it. He says I need to look at the bigger picture. It may be weeks, it may be months. Nothing about that is comforting. This is the moment when I need him more than ever….. but he’s so far away.

This is a sad time for people losing their loved ones and this is a sad time for lovers that are apart. Communication is what’s going to get us through this, so try to communicate better.

I’m trying to stay positive throughout all this and I hope everyone stays safe and healthy.

Stress Eating

Hi Ladies!

What happens when work is stressing you out, you only see your man 2 times a week, 3 if you’re lucky and your friends live some distance away?

You start stress eating. This week alone, I have eaten sooo much crap. At work I just like drinking diet pop to keep me going. That’s not good for me. I always feel super bloated after.

Then I don’t see my boyfriend, so I just go home and eat alone. Then go to bed.

Bottom line is, I hate being fat. Then I look in the mirror and I’m like WTF?! And then that stresses me out. Who’s a brides maid in two weddings this year? Yup, I am! It’s just the perfect year to be chubby, stressed and annoyed.

By the way, this is me being positive lol. Today was a good day until I saw how chubby I was and how alone I felt.

Brad works nights every other week but sometimes it’s like two weeks in a row. It’s pretty sad because I literally am doing everything by myself in the week. That would be okay if my friends were around but they are all like a 45 minute drive. I mean….. should I make new friends?

IDK, I just wanted to vent a little.

Yours Truly,

Chubby Chubby Bunny.

Delicate Dance

Hi Ladies,

If being single is hard, being in a relationship is even harder. It’s a delicate dance of do we or don’t we. This relationship that I’m currently in is by far the most significant one that I have ever had with any other partner. And sometimes it’s just not what I expect.

I watch Rom Coms where things are constantly romantic and where your partner should be like the person who’s company you most enjoy.

No where in the Rom Com is there a part about not being able to sleep comfortably with your partner or like needing time a part. Or like being confused about when it’s appropriate to spend time together and when to spend time apart. Or just like feeling like you’re on the same page but different paragraphs.

I need to learn but honestly I can’t get the gist.

Here’s me, looking myself in the mirror telling myself I need to change. I need to be okay with certain things and I need to not let every little thing make me feel crappy. I need to get busy, I need to work out and I need to feel valued by myself.

Golden Rule: Sometimes, you need to have an honest talk with yourself about what you want out of a relationship and if it’s reasonable to have.

Tips for guys: If your girl wants to cuddle, freakin cuddle.

We Are Not Perfect

Hi Ladies,

I just wanted to let you guys know that no relationship is perfect. Brad and I have been having this on-going issue, involving another girl outside of our relationship. Now when I met Brad he came encompassed with all these young, female (some single, some not) friends. Like most girls who start a new relationship I was not comfortable.

Brad has made profound improvements in this regard. He really tries to stay clear of anything that makes me uncomfortable or any interactions that he knows will make me feel not great. However, lol. One still remains.

There is a particular friend whom we have had controversies with concerning some interactions. Stuff that any girl would feel weird about or not appreciate. The problem is that with this particular human, Brad doesn’t really agree that some things were inappropriate.

When he is with this particular individual something else happens. His phone is a deadzone lol. So say I’m chatting away, just telling him usual stuff, expecting a response. Maybe not right away but like within a reasonable time. I’ll either get no response or like weird half answers. So Ofcourse I didn’t feel great about that. And I would notice it most with this particular girl. Like I would just feel the distance.

I have discussed this with Brad and since then have seen major improvements. He has had to actively try to stay attentive when this person is around. Which makes me feel eeeeeeeek. He says it’s because they don’t get to see each other that much so when they do, they have lots to say. I also basically just need to accept this as I do get quite upset every time it happens. Shouldn’t I be use to this by now?

In the most recent incident she asked Brad something that had somewhat to do with me. And like it just feels like my feelings were not considered you know. It just felt like this thing was only about her. And it sucked. After the fact Brad and I discussed but there is like no going back on this thing. Also I would think if it was between me being upset and her being upset. Mine would be more crucial or important but I felt like that wasn’t the case.

This is the one thing that hasn’t really changed much in almost two years. There is no shaking her. And I feel terrible for being that girlfriend that steps in the way of friendships. My fear is that there may be something more than friendship happening there but Brad vehemently disagrees. I feel like freakin Darth Vader every time I bring it up.

Because Ofcourse she’s like a happy little fairy girl. Who doesn’t like that right? While I’m an overthinking, intellectual adult who still allows a fairy girl to make me feel like shit.

Naturally in these scenarios where someone else has your boyfriends attention, you start to over analyze and compare. And comparison is never good. I compact every interaction they have ever had into a little box. And every time she’s brought up, I open this little box and all the uncomfortable feelings seep out. Kinda like in that movie the ring where like that dead girls hair just like comes out of no where and stifles you. Super similar to that.

Brad Ofcourse hates that I do this. Because he literally doesn’t remember anything that has happened with this person past last Tuesday. Is that like a guy thing?

So anyway, this is my dilemma. This problem is not going anywhere as he has to see this person on a semi-regular basis. Some aspects of this situation does make me feel insecure. The usual questions. Am I not interesting enough? Not pretty enough? Not fairy like enough?

Because intrinsically that’s what happens. I don’t feel like enough. I should be so enough that no other human can do this. As no other human does this to me in regards to Brad. But that’s just it. Brad and I are different and see things differently.

So then I’ll think like maybe I’m just being too sensitive or maybe a bit over critical. But then I bring up specific scenarios with my friends and even my MOM. And my mom would say, “hmmmmm something doesn’t seem right with this girl.”

So that’s the dilemma. I have no advice this week but I sure need some.

Paradox

Hi Ladies,

It’s been a while. I haven’t been writing that much, and its not that nothing is happening in my life. Its actually exactly the opposite, so much is happening. Things are happening at work, things are in the works for buying a house with Brad and things are happening in my now almost two year relationship.

Look at me being in a relationship for almost two years. Of-course we all know this is a learning curve for me, especially with my track record of ex boyfriends. There are so many new and interesting discussions that Brad and I have that I have never even thought of talking to another human about.

Like for one, we argue about my faith a lot and his lack thereof. Brad does not believe in God, he believes in science. I don’t think the two oppose or disproves each other, I am one of those weirdos who think they go hand in hand. (Like Darwin, he was a devout Christian, look it up!)

Needless to say we have had some pretty heated arguments about this. We debate on what religion our children would be. That would be an example of one of those conversations I never thought I would have. In the end we just have to agree to disagree as we are both pretty firm on our points.

The next thing that has come up in our relationship is SEX. If you have been with me from the start you know the nature of some of my past relationships. They were primarily just sex. And now my relationship is so much more than sex and I super have to adjust to that. I need to not treat Brad like a piece of meat, which I do sometimes. Man, being in a relationship has a huge learning curve.

Here’s the bit I have been having to learn the most. Being happy on my own and not being reliant on Brad for happiness. He has actually expressed this to me many times. Here is where I struggle ladies. I have a great job, I am sexy, I am smart but I also absolutely thought your relationship was where you put all your emotional energies. Like I still, at this point, want to be with Brad all the time. As life would have it, he is the total opposite. He doesn’t want to see me all the time, or he can manage without it. I’m not so good at managing that.

I equate happiness as being in a happy relationship but Brad says that’s not the case. So I have been on my quest for happiness outside of my relationship. Life is hard sometimes, so that’s kind of tricky but I am determined on finding it.

Brad is literally always happy, he’s like Will Ferrel in Elf. Where as I’m the Grinch. so needless to say, I have some cheering up to do.

Have I mentioned that every other person that I know has become engaged in the last month. Every time I see an engagement ring on social media and literally hear my eggs crying out to me. The biological clock is no lie, but I think only women can hear it ticking away.

Those are the major updates. I am adjusting to life in a serious relationship which should also not be my only source of JOY. What a paradox eh?

Golden Rule: Find your own happiness.

Tips for Guys: If everyone is getting engaged, maybe you should too? or is that too jump off a cliffy? (I just made that word up)