Was I A Thief In Another Life?

Hi Ladies! I wish that I made up some of the stuff that I go through, but I honestly don’t. I’m Christian but sometimes I feel like there is some dating god or deity who is punishing me for something I did in a past life. Let’s call her the “Goddess of Shit”… I just feel like only a woman can inflict this much crap on another lol. Like what did I do to deserve this bullshit? I am pretty average looking and am not crazy (I think). That should at least get me a mediocre dude right? Nope.

Remember that guy that dumped me 2 days before Christmas who I said I would never discuss again? (See Sweet Nothings to get caught up). He contacted me via Facebook to let me know that he has read my blog! Dun Dun Duuuun! Like WTF? How did he find it? Can I be mad, as this is a public forum? Literally, I don’t care that he did. I do care however that he now gets to see how shit my dating life has been since him, while he is riding some magical love wave with the girl that was better than me. Man that sucked! He also said he was sorry once again, and I literally shut down. I can’t talk to this dude, I immediately re-live the moment he dumped me whenever I see his picture. I think that’s called Trauma… should I see a therapist? Kidding, I’m 75% over it. Phew, it only took a whole year.

Then on Tinder, I started talking to an older gentleman who I thought maybe would be a nice change from the normal guys I’ve spoken to. However I am just so fearful to try dating again that I am super skeptical about everything. I’ve mentioned this before but whenever I am on Tinder I literally hear that song from Kill Bill that Uma Thurman hears whenever she saw someone who was apart of her death list. (watch Kill Bill… literally the best movie ever made)

I saw hunting cap on Tinder as well, which was a bit amusing.  He saw Fifty Shades Darker with me last Valentine’s day. Maybe I should ask him to see this new one with me too?  He really liked that movie for obvious reasons. (See And his name was “Hunting Cap” )

Being Single Is Hard when guys you dated are super happy while you ride the singles train.

On the bright side, the really sweet Tinder messages keep pouring in. I mean how can I resist this guy?

Golden Rule: Leave me alone Goddess of Shit!

Tips for Guys: Watch the Fifty Shades movie with your special girl, she really wants you to.

Heeey

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Tinder Boomerang

So sooner than expected but I am back on Tinder. Not seriously just browsing. I completely missed guys saying really vile things to me and ghosting me. Damn I missed it soooo much. Why do we do this to ourselves? Anyway just wanted to update you guys.  I just watched this Black Mirror episode about dating and it actually made me believe in love again. Like somehow I can still do this and maybe find someone.

Listed below is just one of the really nice messages I’ve received.

Being single is hard when you have to resort back to Tinder.

Golden Rule: Try and believe in love again.

Tips For Guys: Don’t be like Bobby.

DayumAssonly

Strangely Optimistic

Merry Christmas everyone and Happy New Year when it comes! Christmas has been busy. My Grandpa is here to visit for a month from the sunny island of Jamaica. Like why would he come to Canada right? Who knows? He’s crazy?

Also my cousin was visiting from NYC for a few days. So I had a full house and lots of family responsibilities. This really helped with not thinking about all the losers who made 2017 kinda suck. I am currently sincerely honoring my guy break. No texting any guys, no dating websites. I am still stalking a little bit but boredom is to blame. Like for instance, the guy that dumped me two days before Christmas last year just celebrated his one year anniversary with the girl he dumped me for. Yes that’s just math and I figured they would be celebrating. But damn that just sunk in that I have been upset about this for a whole year. Thus this is the last time I will bring him up. (Unless he messages me wanting to get back together, which will never happen….kinda hoping it would though).

Anyway, my cousin from NYC told me that if I was living there, I would definitely already be with someone long term. So as of now I am seriously considering moving to NYC.  At Christmas dinner I got the regular “Why aren’t you married yet?” “You are running out of time!” “Don’t you want children?” I turned it into a drinking game though.  So every time someone asked me about my relationship status or about children, I had a large gulp of my wine. So Christmas was actually lit because I was wasted.  Also one of my family members offered to hook me up with someone in Church. I thought that was interesting…… I’ll let you guys know how that goes. lol

I am officially looking forward to the New Year. I really want to leave all my ex’s in 2017. Guys have a way of always coming back though. I will ignore them because I want a clean slate. Dating will resume in a month or so. I am going to try better dating websites. Maybe even paid ones, which I said I would never do because love is supposed to be free. Not according to Match.com though.

So here I go again into another year still single but strangely optimistic.  Going into 2018 with a positive outlook but I won’t expect too much. lol

Golden Rule:  Leave the past in the past.

Tips for Guys:  Once you break up with a girl let her be.

What Do I Want?

Relationships are tough as we all know via my past blogs. You all of a sudden have to bring another person into your world and all of their problems become your problems on top of your own problems.  I like having a person that is “mine” but at the same time I need to admit that I enjoy my freedom. Ask any of my friends and they will let you know that I am super impulsive and do what I want when it comes to guys.  I also have to admit that being with Picky Eater was making me somewhat miserable. I literally wrote blogs complaining about him. I realize now though that most women will take being miserable over being alone.

Hey! I get it, because that girl is me. I would rather hold on to a shitty relationship than break up with a guy and be alone. All my friends are in relationships right now while I’m out here singing sad songs like Taylor Swift after a breakup. (Love me some Tay Tay) Its literally like even toddlers are dating now, why can’t I? I have to admit that I think that being a woman in her late 20’s (don’t ask me my age snoopy) and not being in a committed relationship or has never been in one is weird. My mom literally was living with my dad when she was 20 (with children). Times have changed.

My mother who has seen all there is to see and done all there is to do, looks at me and tells me not to rush it. I think she is crazy and should be super disappointed, but she sees me go through these awful relationships and it saddens her. Needless to say she is completely on board with my guy break.

I do feel like I have a disability though, not being able to keep a man as they say. I thought I was supposed to be myself in a relationship but maybe I need to be something else. I really don’t know at this point. Guys have a clear cardboard cutout of what they want, but I literally have no idea.

In conclusion I am a hot mess which I believe I have mentioned several times, it may be the one consistent theme throughout all this. Trying to work on myself and love me more. I want an awesome relationship but I’m having trouble passing the honeymoon stage. Maybe I need to be stranded on a desert island with a handsome stranger or stranded on a mountain top with Idris Elba. That’s how people fall in love… when they have no choice. (Please go see “The Mountain Between Us” if you have time. Very good film. I have two words for you; Idris and Elba.)

Golden Rule: Lets all figure out what we actually want.

Tips For Guys: Teach me your decisiveness because I literally don’t know what I want anymore.

Hard To Let Go

Hi Ladies, so things have been rough on me. My friends say I take these break ups too hard but that’s because I go into every relationship thinking this could be the one. Ummm so far it hasn’t. I find it super hard to believe that after speaking to me every day for 2 months someone can drop you like a hot potato (never liked that game anyway). So I need to forget about him and enjoy my “Guy Break”. As all of my friends in relationships complain about the things that their men do. I have nothing to complain about…. Other than the fact that I will spend eternity alone, but no big deal.

I have said it before but it’s hard for me to let go of stuff but this one I have to throw into the ocean just like Old Rose did with the Giant diamond at the end of Titanic. I mean if I was to message him, what would I even say?

  1. I miss you so much. Please be with me?
  2. I hate you and hope that you get really bad indigestion for 5 years.
  3. Are you seeing someone else because that’s not fair.

Yeah, so all of those are pathetic so I will continue with my silence.  I find that after a breakup, girls are usually sad and guys just move right along. Then like 3 months down the line is when they feel any sort of regret. By then most girls have moved on. I sincerely hope that’s the case for Picky Eater and I. Man, I gotta stop writing about this guy but I am literally scared to death to date anyone else.

I think about him so much and all the fun things we did. So many things remind me of him and yeah I hate him I think.

P.S. I saw Booty Call again. It’s still not a huge deal though.

Golden Rule: Never text a dude after a breakup, it comes off as pathetic…. I think.

Tips for Guys: Sorry, I’m on a guy break.

Chill Pill

Hi Ladies, Its been a rocky week for Picky Eater and I…. though Picky Eater has no idea anything is going on lol. Am I the only one who does this? I basically have entire arguments in my head about the crap that he does. To him though I play it cool because I don’t want to seem crazy. This week he took the disappearing act thing up a notch to a one word answer thing. Arggghhh. Drove me crazy all week. I literally started having all these self made crazy girl theories.

Theories;

  1. He is not interested anymore and is slowly winding me down to a subtle ghosting.
  2. He is talking to another girl, thus I am no longer a priority or interesting.
  3. He is an alien.
  4. He is secretly married with children. (that’s only half a theory as one half of that is true)
  5. He’s just super busy, and doesn’t have time to chit chat.

I think its definitely number 3 but what do I know.

I am so into him, attached and invested that the thought of him pulling away for any reason is literally giving me the shakes. I mean a cried multiple times this week. Lets also keep in mind that I am PMSing, so you know…. extra emotional.

Then I woke up this morning and I decided I don’t care anymore. I am going to give myself a bloody heart attack. Which is not the way I thought I would ever get a heart attack. I always thought it would be from those little egg mcmuffins from McDonald’s that I have had for breakfast every morning this week, or from extra butter on my movie theater popcorn.

So I have officially stopped caring, stopped stressing and is taking a huge Chill Pill. I have to learn that I can’t control everything…especially dudes and what’s going on in their heads. So welcome to the era of Zen. I am just going to hang out with my friends and be happy for the impending holiday season.

I did make a deal with him though that if at anytime either of us is just not feeling this anymore, we would be straight up with each other. He agreed… so lets see if he sticks to it. I know I will.

Being Single is hard but it helps if you are Zen.

Golden Rule: You can’t overdose on chill pills so take as many as you want.

Tips for Guys: One wording a girl drives her up the wall.

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Defense Mechanism

Hi guys so I just came back from a trip. I went to Maine. It was beautiful and peaceful; it was exactly the break I needed from my fast paced life of being bored at work and rushing home to watch Netflix. The struggle is real right?

Picky Eater has been amazing, texting me every day and trying his very hardest for me to become attached. Like who texts good morning every morning without fail? Weirdos that’s who. OMG I’m kidding, I love it.

What’s happening right now is that I am stopping myself from falling in love. My constant angst and rants to my good friend who works with me (who sadly has to listen to my word diarrhea daily; sorry girl.) is about how when he doesn’t talk to me for 2-3 hours, I feel like he might ghost me. I’m like constantly reassuring myself that if he walks away from this relationship right now, I need to be prepared and not totally be shattered. It’s been like a month and I am already so invested in this relationship. I am not pressuring him for a title or anything; I’m just going with the flow and trying to be totally nonchalant.

He has no idea how crazy I am because us girls know that we have to keep the crazy in until he puts a ring on it… right? That’s what I have heard anyway as I am nowhere close to marriage (crying emoji).

So to stop myself from falling I am literally as we speak constructing the Great Wall of China around my heart. I am not going to let him all the way in until I feel comfortable. This is my defense mechanism. I need to not feel so on edge and honestly I wouldn’t be if I wasn’t so messed up from other heart breaks. It’s not fair to him, but I have to do this for my own sake. He thinks I’m falling in love with him, which is absolutely accurate but I gotta put some brakes on that.

So the big question here on everyone’s minds is did we have sex? The answer to that is none of your business really but yes we did; which totally doesn’t help my serious attachment issues. Yes it was pleasurable.

Pleasurable Sex + Super Romantic Guy = God Help Me.

Being Single is hard when you are dating someone, sheesh.

Golden Rule: Don’t let him into your heart until you are ready, keep those defenses up.

Tips For Guys: Good morning texts are the way to a girl’s heart.

Defense

The Disappearing Act

Hey Ladies, I just wanted to keep you adrift on my newest single annoyance. I happen to be going on a trip next week. Yup leaving good ole Canada for a few days, trust me I need the vacation.  Picky Eater has decided that there was no need to see me this weekend before my trip so that sucked. Also he disappears on me for hours at a time. Now I know what you are thinking… “He has stuff to do!” Yeah and I get it, he most definitely is a busy person. When he stops messaging me from 7 pm on a Saturday night though, that arouses some concern from me.

He doesn’t really tell me when he is about to go missing he just does. I have no idea when he is going to resurface and it drives me insane. Like I know we are exclusively dating and all that but we are supposed to be building trust and that shit scares me.  I hate it when guys disappear on you because they could literally be doing anything. Also, as a girl your mind just automatically goes to the worst places. Like my go to place is he was out axe throwing and he mis-stepped. The axe then flew through a glass and he is about to get charged by cops for  Vandalism or another common one is you know, he’s cheating on me. My mind works in mysterious ways lol.

One of my friends once told me that she only talked to guys because they made her feel good. They gave her encouragement, or they were fun or just some kind of positive benefit. She said as soon as that stopped, she lost interest. As soon as they started to make her more unhappy than happy she got the hell out of there. I am like the opposite of that, I hold on to relationships, even when I see the Iceberg coming. I try to make everything work. I’m the girl who had a fling with Booty Call for like year, thinking eventually things would change. It’s been a year and literally nothing has changed. He looked me in the eye once and told me that he doesn’t want the things that I want and I still stuck around.  When I told him I was going to officially start dating someone else all he said was “Ummmm Alright” which basically sums up our relationship.

For Picky Eater, I am literally walking on egg shells. I don’t want to fall for him because he already has these bad habits and I’m going to be constantly wondering where he is or what he’s doing. This really sucks because I already really like him.  Sometimes I feel like I am asking too much because so far no guy that I have dated is able to successfully communicate with me. Like this is the beginning of our relationship, at least make me trust you and think you care about me.

My thought is, if you really cared I wouldn’t even have to tell you to do this stuff. You’d just want to do it. Am I right, or am I right?

Golden Rule: Once they stop making you happy, get out of there.

Tips for dudes: Don’t disappear on us, it dilutes our trust for you.

Thanksgiving Blues

Thanksgiving is upon us. Yes it is Canadian Thanksgiving friends. Yes I’m Canadian lol. I thought this year would be another year of “why aren’t you married? fest 2017”. This year however was reasonably tame. My brother made one single joke of which the punchline was that people who are single are losers, so that was fun. Another huge deal was that I lost for the very first time at Taboo. I know, ridiculous! I just had a bad team setup and there was some drinking and cheating but thats another story for another time.

So its long weekend and I totally want to hang out and have fun with friends. What hinders that you may ask? When all your friends are in relationships and you being the single loser can’t really find anyone to hang out with.  These are the instances when you can’t be mad at your friends but cant help feeling like the single loser in the group. This is probably one of the hardest things about being single; Being Single through the Holidays.

I sat on my bed and tried to find someone to hang out with but there was absolutely no one. You can have tons of friends and family and still feel completely alone. These are the times when it hits you; how you don’t have anyone to share your life with, while everyone else is off sharing theirs. Picky Eater is off being a father; which is great and I am not even allowed to complain because of that fact. I get like two text messages a day but everyone around me says that it’s okay because he has children. Not sure how you get to know someone with two text messages a day. Not sure why he went on Tinder and was apparently trying to find a relationship if he absolutely has no time for it. Not sure why Christopher Robin from Winnie the Pooh isn’t labelled a crazy kid for having full blown conversations with inanimate stuffed animals. Lots of unanswered questions out there, we just have to keep pondering them.

I even texted Booty Call, and yes I still see him from time to time because I am single and allowed to do that. I am not in any one defined relationship.

Thus my conundrum of feeling lonely.

Golden Rule: Have different circles of friends because once they are busy with their BFs, that’s when you really feel single.

Tips For Guys: Be cool and hang out with me every time I ask jeez. lol

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Picky Eater

So ladies I went on my first Tinder date and I am just here to report that it was a success. The first non-creep I have been on a date with in a long time. Let’s just start off with exclaiming how cute he is; like he was cute on the site but even more adorable in real life. I know, I know! It’s usually the opposite right? I lucked out with this one.   It’s usually a cute 20 something dude on the site but then a non-well-groomed 40 something dude that shows up to the date. No that never happened to you before? Oh okay then me either. Let’s just move on.

We went out for some dinner at a local sports bar. Nothing too fancy, I am trying to keep it super chill. As you know, I am looking for true love and would usually have our children named by dessert. But not this time, you guys would have been so proud of me. (I still have two of our children secretly named).  Let’s call him Picky Eater because that’s what he is. To be fair he is on a major health kick which I thought would be a problem for me. My favorite meal in the world is bacon covered with bacon bits, so yeah the opposite of a healthy eater. I am currently in the process of working on that though. Anyway he ordered a salad with dressing on the side. Like way to make me feel fat lol. Just kidding, I respected his dedication to his diet as I ordered crispy delicious Calamari.

He also hates seafood…. I know what a weirdo. Also kidding, I adore him lol.

We talked and laughed and vibed. At the end of the night we talked a bit more in his car. So as you all know from my plethora of dating mistakes. When I go into cars with guys, I never leave the same if you know what I mean. (wink, wink) But not this time. We actually just talked and he never once tried to make a move. This drove me crazy of course because he was so cute. By the end of the night I realized I would have to make the first move.

So me being the elegant enchantress I am leaned over before we said goodbye and kissed him. It was magical. He wasn’t over bearing or held back, it was the perfect kiss. It was so perfect that I drove home in a daze. I probably should have Ubered. Oh did I mention he walked me to my car and opened my door. I know right?! I met this guy on Tinder.

Sounds too good to be true? Well there is a slight caveat. How do I say this?… I guess I will just say it. He has hook for arms. Nah just kidding. He has children.  Yes he is a father and no he isn’t a hundred years old. He is pretty young. He has two children that he adores and they are quite adorable. And yes he told me this before we went on our date. He was just so nice and polite that it simply didn’t matter.

What do you guys think? Am I making a good decision here?

Let’s keep in mind; it’s only been one date. I am just going with the flow with this one.

Golden Rule: On a first date wear something slutty enough so that you don’t have to make the first move. I wore a backless romper but it didn’t do the trick.

Tips for guys: I actually have none, I found a guy that made me believe that decent guys aren’t extinct or kidnapped by aliens.