What’s My Calling?

Hi Folks,

It’s been a while…..just trying to hang in there with all the craziness going on. With all that said, I have been trying to be purposeful this year in all my actions. I have been trying to make this year mean something positive amongst all this negative.

I have started doing some mindfulness exercises and while I’m doing them I feel like my mind is trying to take me somewhere. And no, it’s not to sleep. Lol

I have been trying to figure out lately what my calling is. What am I best at? How do I find this out? So I haven’t exactly googled it yet…… because that’s pretty much how we figure everything out these days. But how do I figure this out naturally in real life?

I grew up watching shows about women and men being excellent at something. Macgyver was good at macgyvering. Buffy was good at slaying. Xena was good at kicking ass and making it look easy. I have got to figure out what my genius is.

What is my zainy, quirky thing that I should be sharing with the world? Is it writing? Is it singing? Is it helping people? There are endless possibilities and I have to figure it out.

If you have been with me since the start of my relationship journey, you will know that I have come a long way! This blog has evolved and changed so much. I am immensely proud of it and the person I have become.

What’s your purpose? And how did you figure it out?

Golden Rule: Use the Mindfulness section if you have a Fitbit. It’s amazing…. you won’t regret it!

Are We Making Progress?

Hi Guys!

So this week, Brad and I went to the cottage to “getaway” from it all. While we were there, the Jacob Blake story broke and was all over the news. I don’t usually get political on my blog but there are just so many things wrong with 2020 that, I’m not even sure how to move forward. Or is this what progress looks like?

People being called out for being this or being that? Is that what progress is? Racial injustices being filmed; some cases being resolved, while others will never see justice. Is this progress? I honestly can’t tell. I guess we won’t know until 10 years from now. Maybe we can’t see progress while it’s happening. I’m sure in the middle of famous wars or battles they also felt like, it would never end and had moments where they wondered if this fight was even worth fighting. I guess it is.

It’s hard to be happy in a relationship when you aren’t happy by yourself. This year has been one of the hardest of my life. I don’t think I have ever faced so much uncertainty as a professional but also as a woman of color. Being in a constant state of worry, does have nasty side effects on being in a loving relationship.

I was horribly affected by the pandemic while Brad wasn’t. So in this scenario he does feel like he needs to be the strong one, the happy one, the together one. But I’m realizing that what’s happening around us is affecting us. We should try not to make it manifest into a monster but we should acknowledge that this year is unlike any other. It is affecting us. In a few years we will be able to see just how much it has changed the world.

Let’s hope that we do in fact see progress.

Be safe everyone and try to stay positive.

Keep Swimming

Hello Everyone!

So I am one of the lucky people who lost their jobs due to this pandemic and am literally on my 4th month of losing my mind,…… I mean 4th month of meditation. I know people think staying home is easy and it definitely is a lot easier than what many other countries have had to do during a pandemic. However, I am literally going bonkers. Treat this like a vacation everyone says, but at least on vacation I know that I would still be getting paid from my job.

I am so uneasy and isolated. Literally the theme of my quarantine. The government mandates us not to see people so we don’t see people. It also doesn’t help that my friends all live at least 45 minutes away and have bolstering social calendars.

I can’t figure out if I am isolated or self isolating. They are all still working so I feel like I don’t have much to discuss with them. My boyfriend is still working as well. So basically no one that I speak to on the regular, understands how hard it is to not feel insane. I don’t want to say the D word but sometimes I feel it coming on.

Being off for 4 months doesn’t mean I did many summer like things with all my time off either. Many places are closed due to our impending doom aka covid 19. The people I want to spend time with are all working and don’t have time off. So this all blows.

I also of late have been having this feeling, that I could be doing so much more with my life. Like every time I have an idea to do something out of the box, I talk myself out of it. These past few months I have been trying to work on myself, but its hard for all that work to stick. I have honestly tried the positivity thing, like see all the good and not focus on the bad. It’s just all hard to do when you don’t feel great, but we must all fight on.

Quarantine Tips: Just keep swimming!

2020…. The Worst?

Hi Guys,

Are you over this year? Yeah me too. Things are getting crazier by the minute. Everything has been in complete upheaval starting with society, the economy, medical issues and environmental issues. The entire globe is on fire and not just for social change. Have humans on a whole just been tweeting and gramming ourselves into a black hole? Perhaps.

I myself as a Canadian woman of color have experienced injustices but I can only speak to the ones that I am aware of and of course I am lobbying for social change. Social change for black people and all other people of color who have been taught by society that they are some how less than or not good enough. I rarely get political on my blog but I will make my allegiances clear. Treating everyone no matter their color as equals is like 400 years over due.

That being said, this year has taught me a lot about myself and those I want to surround myself with. I saw this quote that said you have to decide when its okay to let go of people but also; to let go of the part of yourself that allowed those people to treat you badly. No one can treat you badly or make you feel less than, unless you allow them to. I am not doing that anymore. There are a lot of relationships in my life that needed some evaluation and I am proud to say they have been evaluated. People need to add positivity and value to your life just as you should to theirs.

I know this blog had been really heavy but this year has forced me to reflect on some pretty heavy things. As for Brad and I we are good. This year has put a monkey wrench in our plans and the rest of the world’s plans. So we are basically dealing with this massive delay in starting our lives together. However I must also see this as a well needed moment of rest and reflection. Everything happens for a reason. If we were meant to buy a house in 2020 we would have but maybe God has other plans.

Golden Rule: Stay positive and protect your energy.

Not Exactly Easy

Hi Folks!

So as I mentioned, I am not seeing Brad during this quarantine. It has now been almost a month. I am being super safe though I live with mom and she has to go out to work. She is also taking every precaution. Brad has to still go to work and he is taking precautions.

Knowing all this, I was hoping that Brad and I would still see each other periodically but Brad has told me that he is not comfortable with this. That’s a bit frustrating for me…… he said he is doing this because he doesn’t want me to get sick as I have Asthma. And also for his family.

At this point, he is seeing everyone in his life except for me. So needless to say, I am not excited about this whole scenario. He is doing this for the greater good of humanity. Me, I’m just going insane. My job is up in the air, lockdown just keeps extending but Atleast I still have my boo. Wait…. can’t see him either.

So during this time of not seeing each other, communication is key. I realize that communication for most men is hard and so that just makes me even more frustrated.

I was speaking to my mom about Brad’s decisions he’s made and how stubborn he is about everything. If he makes up his mind to do something for whatever reason; be it plausible or not, he’s gonna do it. Sometimes I’m pretty sure whatever I say has not effect at all on his decision making. My mom told me that this is never going to change. This is Brad. There is no bending or molding.

It’s been almost two years and now we don’t even see each other. We only communicate by text of phone. And so in this peculiar situation you start to notice things you didn’t before.

There is a pandemic happening and in these times you try to cling to what makes you feel safe or happy. It’s hard to cling to that thing when you feel like you have also been quarantined from it. He says I need to look at the bigger picture. It may be weeks, it may be months. Nothing about that is comforting. This is the moment when I need him more than ever….. but he’s so far away.

This is a sad time for people losing their loved ones and this is a sad time for lovers that are apart. Communication is what’s going to get us through this, so try to communicate better.

I’m trying to stay positive throughout all this and I hope everyone stays safe and healthy.

Quarantine

Hi Ladies,

I won’t be one of those people who complain about being bored in quarantine even though I am. As I understand that it’s saving all our lives by doing so.

As we discussed in my previous post, I am not quarantining with Brad for various safety precautions. Earlier today it was announced that this could go on for 12 more weeks.

Now ladies if you are shacked up with your significant other right now, you have won. You are winning. I am horny, crazy, bored and at this point just sad. I am trying not to think of three of the longest months of the year rolling by while I’m stuck staring at my ceiling. At this point, I won’t be seeing Brad until the middle of summer.

I honestly am feeling a plethora of emotions right now. Was I a thief in another life? Should we have moved in together sooner? And I get it, besides my relationship there is a whole pandemic happening. With so much chaos and uncertainty, this is when we need our loved ones most and I don’t have Brad.

We talk on the phone and we play games together but for me, nothing can replace physical time together. He is currently still going to work and I’m not. So at this point he’s seeing everyone in his life except me. I understand all the risks of seeing each other but I’m not going to lie this sucks in a major way.

Imagine; Dating, Falling in love, getting attached, looking to live together and then boom 3-4 months apart. That’s pretty natural right?

I have told him that my biggest fear is that some aspects of our relationship will change after spending so much time apart. I feel myself retreating and getting even more closed off. It’s my defense mechanism. I can’t cry all day so I have to distance myself from the situation.

I honestly don’t know what the future holds for any of us. I am sending good vibes out to anyone stuck in the house away from their significant other. At this point our 2 year anniversary will be spent away from each other.

This is a crazy time and I have no advice for anyone except stay safe and try to retain your sanity.

Stress Eating

Hi Ladies!

What happens when work is stressing you out, you only see your man 2 times a week, 3 if you’re lucky and your friends live some distance away?

You start stress eating. This week alone, I have eaten sooo much crap. At work I just like drinking diet pop to keep me going. That’s not good for me. I always feel super bloated after.

Then I don’t see my boyfriend, so I just go home and eat alone. Then go to bed.

Bottom line is, I hate being fat. Then I look in the mirror and I’m like WTF?! And then that stresses me out. Who’s a brides maid in two weddings this year? Yup, I am! It’s just the perfect year to be chubby, stressed and annoyed.

By the way, this is me being positive lol. Today was a good day until I saw how chubby I was and how alone I felt.

Brad works nights every other week but sometimes it’s like two weeks in a row. It’s pretty sad because I literally am doing everything by myself in the week. That would be okay if my friends were around but they are all like a 45 minute drive. I mean….. should I make new friends?

IDK, I just wanted to vent a little.

Yours Truly,

Chubby Chubby Bunny.

Thirty, Flirty and Tired

Hello Ladies!

My day job is taking over my life but here lies my true passion. I have recently turned the big 3 0! It’s shocking. I literally thought I would be in my 20’s forever or forever 21.

Now that I have entered a new chapter, I am looking forward to all adulthood is ready to teach me. Probably weird health things, or I assume my organs will need to be checked or something. I suddenly start to fee real sluggish around 9 PM, is that an old people thing?

Brad and I hosted a giant party for my birthday at his house. It was delightful. My hunny got me the most perfect cake and the cutest gifts. My friends were all around me. It was pretty much a kickass birthday. The only thing is, now I’ve gotta top it!

Brad and I are in a really good place despite all the past drama. For the most part there hasn’t been any other woman running interference. I’m looking ahead into our future which I think is Uber bright.

Well that’s it folks! I made it to 30 and only cried a handful of times so that’s an accomplishment!

I’ll keep y’all posted on what’s coming next!

Delicate Dance

Hi Ladies,

If being single is hard, being in a relationship is even harder. It’s a delicate dance of do we or don’t we. This relationship that I’m currently in is by far the most significant one that I have ever had with any other partner. And sometimes it’s just not what I expect.

I watch Rom Coms where things are constantly romantic and where your partner should be like the person who’s company you most enjoy.

No where in the Rom Com is there a part about not being able to sleep comfortably with your partner or like needing time a part. Or like being confused about when it’s appropriate to spend time together and when to spend time apart. Or just like feeling like you’re on the same page but different paragraphs.

I need to learn but honestly I can’t get the gist.

Here’s me, looking myself in the mirror telling myself I need to change. I need to be okay with certain things and I need to not let every little thing make me feel crappy. I need to get busy, I need to work out and I need to feel valued by myself.

Golden Rule: Sometimes, you need to have an honest talk with yourself about what you want out of a relationship and if it’s reasonable to have.

Tips for guys: If your girl wants to cuddle, freakin cuddle.

What A Year 2020 Will Be

Ladies! Sound the alarm, my blog has been infiltrated. Hide your wives, hide your children, JK. No but seriously I think our past lovers have come back to haunt us or furious attempted lovers. Where do I start? With the juicy information? Nope!

Happy New Year you filthy animals! It’s 2020, we are getting dangerously close to cyborgs and hover boards. Over the holidays Brad and I took a massive road trip to Maine to visit my sister. We had a lovely picturesque snowy Christmas there. Then we drove through upstate NY on our way back. This trip really brought us closer together and pointed out some key information to me about our relationship. The most important one is that we can drive in a car together for 6 hours with only one break without wanting to kill each other. Okay there was maybe one argument but scouts honor that was it.

My sister sure approved of him with her closing statement being “He’s Tall.” She made him reach all the high cupboards and take down things she hadn’t seen for years. Well you get it, Christmas was mint.

On to New Years. We went to one of Brad’s family friends house for a party. It was a lot of games, food, drinks and really loud people. Brad and I had our midnight smooch but sadly didn’t get to seal the deal that night. (Wink)

Am I being way more raunchy? Idk, new year, new……. writing style?

As for the drama, I won’t give anyone the satisfaction of going into detail but basically I think someone out there would like for Brad and I to part ways. To what end, I have no clue.

My last blog was a bit emotionally raw and true. I want you all to know that relationships, even really good ones such as mine, have their low points. Brad and I did have an epic fight surrounding the subject of my last blog. (If you wanna know so bad, go read it!)

We have since mended and put the past behind us because we know who we are and what we have. We know we are building a future and we also know that we aren’t perfect! I love my hunny and plan to stick with him through the ups and downs. I won’t pull a Hillary but he knows way better than to pull a Bill.

No golden rule on this one. I’m just sending all my readers good vibes and wishing you all the very best for your new year!