Drunk and Disorderly 

Hello Again! So my friends birthday dinner happened last night and I honestly wanted to update you guys on what I thought would be a dreadful night. 

So one of my friends boyfriends actually wasn’t able to make it. (Thank God) I now wasn’t the only single person there. However this friend is engaged so she has no issues rolling on her own, fully confident in the fact that she is taken. I on the other hand is not fully confident… in anything really. 

My friend that was BF less that night ended up being my wing girl, so I didn’t feel like I was alone. Sure enough at the end of the night when the waiter came, my fears did come to past. He gave bills to the couples and then singled my single ass out. (Please see previous blogpost Friends with Boyfriends to get caught up.)

As the night went on, one sake (Japanese rice wine) and a cidar (strongbow) later I was a bit inebriated. The sake was 20% alcohol and I drank it as fast as water. I am also a light weight. While being a little drunk I decided to embarrass myself and randomly yell out to my friends and their boyfriends that ” I wasnt actually single”. I felt the need to point this out as I had met one of my friends boyfriends for the first time and didn’t want to seem like a loser. After I said that though there was some serious awkward silence. It was maybe just as awkward as when Dean and Jess met for the first time on Gilmore girls knowing full well they were both in-love with Rory. 

Anyway it was super weird. Then I ended having to explain myself. Not in detail of course but in a general way. “Like I sort of see someone sometimes. ” The guys were all like , ” yeah there is nothing’s wrong with that”. While my friends just awkwardly stared at me like “why are you bringing this up?”. So that was a fun dinner. Honestly it was, I just chose to embarrass myself as usual.  

On nights like that, you realize how not being connected to another human in a significant way in your 20’s is like really weird. Everyone is out all coupled up. It just makes you wonder; “what’s wrong with me?” To which the answer is “you’re an alcoholic” lol. Just kidding. The answer is, you are waiting for something extraordinary. Right?! Right! 

Golden Rule: Try not to get drunk when you are single at a couples birthday dinner. Things get weird really fast. 

Tips For Guys: Probably don’t suggest Sake to girls. It makes girls drunk really fast. Oh wait…. that’s probably what you want. Forget I mentioned it. 

Single With A Side of Amazing Sex

I mess up and I keep messing up but is there a purpose to it all? I don’t even want to make a big deal about it but I have been seeing Booty Call again. He apologized and said he didn’t mean any of it and trust me I still don’t 100% believe him. He knows however that I do have some feelings for him. So of course if he said sorry and that he wanted to make things right, it wouldn’t take much for me to be back in his bedroom having amazing, jaw dropping sex. You must be wondering how good this sex is. Imagine a guy telling you that he isn’t attracted to you, when you have feelings for him and then the minute he kisses you it all goes away. It’s almost like our bodies were made to have sex with each other but our minds are still adjusting.

He slept with someone else btw, while we were apart. So that adds some additional angst to my life. It’s caused me to pull away somewhat, which is good. Everything is back into perspective. This is just like when Felicity had to choose between Ben and Noel; except I’m Noel in this scenario and I know that Felicity and Ben are probably in the next dorm room banging. Man, Felicity was an angst filled TV show, almost as angsty  (not a real word, I checked) as my life. Imagine constantly thinking the person you want to bang most in the world, potentially banging someone else. I hate it! And he says he is not. Can I believe that though?

Status: Currently still single while having great sex.

Do I want the movie dates and the aquarium dates? Do I want to go for ice cream and out for dinner? Do I want to go to concerts and go out dancing? Does Caesar from Planet of the Apes have a lot of hard decisions to make? ( I have a mild planet of the apes obsession) The answer is yes to all of the above. It’s like I know what I want but I don’t know how to get it.

Well we did hang out the other Day, not in a bedroom setting and we were both standing up. That was a change. He met some of my friends and they liked him. He was pretty awesome all day and did all the right things but I don’t want to over think anything.  He could get over me at any time and I need to be prepared.  That isn’t really a fair way to think about things but it is the way I think. I am still thinking that I am going to run into the love of my life at the bank or something; thus being able to move on. In my head the love of my life is a British dude with an excellent job and an excellent wine collection. His name shall be Phillip or William; something ultra British, but I digress.

I do want to address the big question on everyone’s mind once again though. Did he really delete the nudes? The answer is No. Shocking I know. You are all perverts by the way. lol

Golden Rule: Excellent sex makes you do crazy things.

Tips for Guys: Delete the nudes if you say you are going to delete them. I know it’s hard but be strong.

The $2.00 Tip Debacle

So I hope your summer’s are going better than mine because I am annoyed AF. “Hunting Cap” decided that I should be his girlfriend again. He broke up with his girlfriend and within 4 days wanted to replace her with me. He called her “crazy” and outrageous. There was one particular issue that broke this couple and they were unable to recover.

Hunting Cap shared with me that his horrible ex-girlfriend yelled at him for tipping a waiter $2.00. So I wasn’t there or anything and I really shouldn’t pass any judgement but I am about to pass some judgement. I am judge Judy right now, I’m about to drop some restaurant etiquette on you.

Nothing that you order from any respectable restaurant in a metropolitan area would warrant at $2.00 tip. I mean even if a waiter spilled my drink all over me and then spat in my replacement drink would I tip the waiter $2.00. That is just not how society works. It just makes you look like a cheap ass. Plus if the waiter is hot, a little spittle might count as some action. Sorry this is just the way I think as I am single. Too gross? Oh well. Anyway I digress.

I promptly turned him down as I am no one’s second choice. Plus nothing has really changed; I mean this guy is capable of ignoring me for a full 24-48 hour period on his birthday. Needless to say, he’s cray. (See And His Name Was Hunting Cap post if you need to be brought up to speed or Ghost of Ex-Boyfriend’s Past Pt. 1 or 2. Yeah this guy is a nightmare.)I told him we are currently just friends. This doesn’t stop him from calling me every night at around 12:30 AM to just catch me up on his lack luster days. I feel like a douche-bag ignoring his calls and date proposals but I really don’t want to go down this road.

Why am I not happily skipping into a relationship with a guy that actually wants to be in a relationship you may ask?

The answer is… Booty Call is back and I am thoroughly distracted. I can’t focus on two guys at once because I have a very short attention span. How guys juggle millions of girls is a mystery. Hey, so I get it if you rolled your eyes and is thoroughly upset with me. I will lay it all out in an impending blog post. Stay tuned to find out how a guy that said he wasn’t attracted to me throughout our lengthy tryst, ended up back in my life and I back in his bed. It’s a roller coaster and I wouldn’t miss it if I were you.

Golden Rule:  Some Ex’s are just not worth it.

Tips for Guys:  Never tip a waiter $2.00. If you are going through hard times, just eat at home. Its way less embarrassing.

Friends With Boyfriends

So, I’m not trying to throw shade at all with this one.  My friends know I am so happy for them and their significant others. I mean I love when my friends are happy and getting laid on the regular. That’s quite important. Where my friends with boyfriends become a problem is when we all decide to go out for dinner, as a huge group with everyone.  It’s like the whole Grease gang gets together, Sandy, Danny, Rizzo, Kenickie,Frenchie, Putzie that other weird girl and then that one nerd who can’t get a date. That’s meeeee.  So obviously I can bring a random, but I don’t want my date and I to be on a lower level in terms of intimacy.

Like all my friends are all comfortably loved up with their BF’s you know.

I just have to remind myself that I am an adult, university educated woman who can handle being a 7th wheel.  The part that sucks is like when the server comes over and their not really paying attention as to who is obviously coupled up and who isn’t. So they innocently ask…. Are the bills together or separate? And so of course all your friends’ boyfriends with their manly voices speak up and say “I’m paying for her”. So then the waiter looks down the line………… and then there was one. I’ve got to get that debit machine and pay for my own food while all my girlfriends get a free meal and some action at the end of the night. The most action I’ll be getting is maybe a little flirtation from the server. Please let it be a guy preferably 6’0, please let him be cute.

Whatever, I’ll get over it and I absolutely can’t skip this dinner.  This is just another reason why Being Single is Hard!

So remember how I said I was going to be on a ton of hot dates. Well this is as hot as its getting this summer. Please see photographic evidence below of my pathetic dating app life.

ilikehey,hey,heyDDD

Golden Rule: Try to get a boyfriend when all your friends do… timing is everything.

Tips For Guys: Behave yourselves so that I can make you my boyfriend and go out for huge group  dates. I also want to be the coolest couple there so we’ve got work to do.

How to get your Mo-Jo Back

Hey Guys! Happy summer! Yes its summer time. Time for hot hookups and meaningless flings. Time to put those booties on display in the shortest short shorts you can find. Am I doing that though? Nope, I am still sniffling and still a bit Effed up from recent events. (See my blog “Insincere”). My summer clothes and but cheeks are super mad at me.  However guys, my Mo-Jo is coming back and I am slowly emerging from my pity party. I am back to my online dating ways and it is fun. It is uplifting. One guy

 

sang to me… yes sang!

Here I was thinking I wasn’t attractive and then a guy took one glance at my moderately slutty pictures on a dating app and literally sang. I think that maybe made my life, as I have never been serenaded before. Too bad he isn’t interesting at all and is as engaging as a turtle slowing making its way back to the ocean. Man I wish he was the one… I mean he sang! Please see photographic evidence below. Like who knew you could even leave voice notes?

singtome

Anyways, I just wanted to lay out some tips on how to get your Mo-Jo back after being emotionally demolished.

  1. Quit him Cold Turkey – Seriously avoid him and all things him. I got him off my Facebook and I avoid him like the plague on my dating app. Yes he is still on there, openly courting while I freak every time I see his profile, but let’s focus here. You will have slip ups but just remind yourself that this guy doesn’t want you and cringes at the memory of your face. (that usually works for me) Poof the urge to text him magically disappears.
  2. Go out with friends – Rekindle your friendships; go out and have a good time. You can laugh and forget about him for a few moments. You might even catch the attention of another guy.
  3. Talk to other guys – No it’s not too soon. You will figure out that there are plenty of hotter, nicer guys out there who can probably please you sexually too. I’m not going to push it because Booty Call was pretty good in the sex department; but I think meeting a gentleman who actually cares about you, may make the sex more intimate and in the end….. better, way better.

That’s all I got for now because I am still hurting but I will keep you posted on any fun dates I go on. My summer of hot dates are about to begin. Yay!

Golden Rule: You can get your Mo-Jo back, I promise!

Tips for Guys:  When a girl is in booty shorts try to look at her face too. I know, its hard.

Insincere

In life there are two roads that you can take; Sincerity or Insincerity. Now I don’t know about you but I couldn’t help being my very sincere authentic self even if I tried. However there are people; and in this case gentlemen, who thrive on insincerity. Even when it is totally unnecessary. The reason I am blathering on and on about this, is because Mr. Booty Call ended our tryst. He claimed that throughout the entirety of our pseudo relationship he was not attracted to me.  I, as a sincere person was completely unaware that there was a way to have mind blowing sex, for months with a person and not even be attracted to them. That’s just me though, open hearted single girl who actually believes a guy when he says “Your ass is what every guy wants”.

As you all know, I have been going back and forth on whether to end it with Booty Call for a while now, as I knew it wouldn’t end well. This ending though I didn’t see coming. It was a particular strain of cruel that knocked my self-esteem right off its white horse.  I thought that he was the one guy who wouldn’t deliberately try to hurt me if he needed space or wanted to see someone else. I knew it would hurt when it came time to move on but I thought it would go something like this “Hey, so I think I wanna bang someone else.” To which I would say “okay” as we just had a sexual relationship.  What I didn’t expect was “I just don’t like banging you, and I never did. Thus everything I ever said to you was a lie”. He didn’t actually say that but I read between the lines.

I’m not going to be insincere and say that I wasn’t feeling more and that I didn’t want more because I did. Somewhere in my delusional mind I thought some of those feelings were being reciprocated. It seems that was not the case.

This one hit me harder than the death of Jack in the Titanic and that says a lot. Like Rose, you seriously can’t scoot over a bit and let jack float some on the door. Regardless of my issues with how Rose handled that situation, when booty call said he was never attracted to me from the start; I felt like my heart smashed into a giant iceberg. He told me that he was sorry that it took him until last weekend to make him tell me this. That statement was like a knife. All I could picture was him cringing every time I asked to hang out but still said yes anyway. I’ll take him at his word and believe him that he thought I was gross throughout the several months we banged. I’m sorry he had to suffer through that.

Life will go on and I will date another, hopefully someone who appreciates me for what and who I am; but for now I’m pretty crushed. Like random panic attacks crushed. In the mean time he is probably already a week into another awesome relationship, hopefully with a girl he finds attractive this time.

The very hardest part about being single is the absolutely unkind things guys say to you. They just have no idea how much their words hurt. Their words leave a mark.

But of course the question on everyone’s mind is “what about the nudes?!”. So he said he deleted them but he is the only one who knows if that’s true. Considering he thought I was the grossest girl he ever laid eyes on, it shouldn’t be too hard to Bin them.

Hang in there; I’ve got all summer to make you laugh. I have got to share my pain with you guys too, it’s how I work through it.

Golden Rule: Check to make sure a guy is attracted to you first before initiating “friends with benefits” relationship. I never thought I would have to check for that, it seems we have a new problem.

Tips for Guys: Don’t have sex with girls you aren’t attracted to and then wait months and months to tell them. It’s just cruel.

Ghosts of Ex-Boyfriends Past Pt.2

Hunting Cap has made his second and final cameo in my life. This happened a few weeks ago but it just sunk in enough for me to write about it. Kind of like when they cancelled One Tree Hill the first time and those of you who remember that show are aware that that was a tough time for us teens. Anyway the point was that this situation weighed pretty heavy on me.

So I got an anonymous text from an unknown number and the person said “Hello Tanya”. I thought this was it; this was the beginning of my own Scream movie. I was about to be Neve Campbell as she ran and clumsily stumbled to her death. I thought the next line was going to be “What’s your favorite scary movie?” But it was nothing as exciting as this. It was literally just Hunting Cap trying to wiggle himself back into my life.

So even though dating hunting cap was the worst experience of my life. When he messaged me I still thought, “Maybe he still likes me?”.  Somewhere deep inside I still had a little bit of a soft spot for hunting cap. After this current encounter however there is no more soft spot.  I never mentioned this before but in my day job…no I’m not a super hero…..even though I see how you may guess that. Anyway in my day job, I work in a field that is associated to Hunting Caps field and after a long like two day conversation he told me that he was messaging me for a job. He WAS ASKING ME FOR A JOB! I don’t mean to yell but seriously, how dare he?

This dude blocked me on Instagram and FB. He made me feel crazy for trying to still be friends with him. After our break up, I was still maybe hoping it would work but he made sure to eliminate any hope I had.  I literally told him “You can block me on Insta and FB and treat me like crap… and then ask me for a job?” Then I blocked him and that was that. Then I cried because I am a softeeeee, but I am toughening up now…. Right? I actually cried because I started questioning our entire relationship after seeing what he was capable of.

Golden Rule: Block me on all social media when we break up? Don’t ask me for a job or anything for that fact.

Tips for Guys: As If!

Ghosts of Ex-Boyfriends Past

So hunting cap made a slight re-visitation to my life and it was not a welcomed one! He re-added me on snap chat with a different username. So of course I wanted to know who the heck was adding me. I asked if it was indeed “hunting cap”.  He confirmed. I then asked if he was finished school, as he was finishing up a course while we were dating. He didn’t answer my question; instead he asked me if I missed him. I’m obviously a softee which you guys all know by now. I answered with a cool “Yeah I miss you a bit”. Expecting a “Yeah I miss you too” or “Yeah maybe we can catch up” or “I miss you so much please marry me and I will never buy you a hunting cap again”. Nope, I got none of those.

I got “Sorry, I’m seeing someone.” It felt like he slapped me across the face so hard that I had to spit out my wine. (because I only drink wine, duh.)

So like, why ask me if I missed you in the first place? This was to deliberately hurt me. Like is this guy even human? I thought I was over him and his lame gifting ass, but apparently I wasn’t as he still had the power to hurt me.

I hastily deleted and blocked him from my snap chat and can happily say that the “Hunting Cap” saga of my life is now done. Hooray! Anyone want to buy a hunting cap? Let me know in the comments. I might as well benefit financially from his stupidity.

Like what did I ever do to this guy other than buy him cheesecake? (Please see “And His Name Was Hunting Cap” to understand this reference.)

Golden Rule: Never give shitty ex’s a second chance.

Tips for Guys: Don’t try to hurt girls that go out of their way to buy you cheesecake. It’s just not cool bro.

Hot Mess

What is a hot mess you might ask, well that would be my personal life. I literally think I am doomed to make terrible decisions and choose the wrong guys. Is every guy before Mr. Right supposed to be terribly wrong? Sometimes I feel like my life is a horror movie, maybe like Friday the 13th. This would make sense as every time I have sex, I feel like I get bludgeoned to death by an upset man-boy who was teased at summer camp. Not following? Okay I will dive into all my wrong doings. I think I should change my blog name to “being single is hard as hell and you should probably stop trying”. What do you guys think, too long? Lol.

So, I did not end it with my fling like I said I would. In fact it just got more intense, and our sex….well let’s just say it is currently unbelievable. Now you may be rolling your eyes and thinking… “it can’t be that good”. But I am telling you, after our sex I am literally floating on a cloud talking to little fairy people. No I am not currently high on cannabis. I just want to reiterate that the sex is mind blowing. Like even he admitted it and we all know that’s rare because a guy’s capacity to express anything verbally is quite limited. Sorry guys don’t mean to throw you under the bus there but that has been my experience.

The reason my life is a hot mess is because this guy is clouding my judgement. He has literally got me wrapped around his finger. I think about him constantly and I just want to be with him. He is literally a black hole, sucking me in and I feel like I have no control. He makes me think that we have something special, but just when I think everything is perfect he pushes me away. I am so confused and I have no idea what he is thinking or if he is even thinking about me.  I ignore all other male attention because somewhere deep inside I feel like I am taken, which is NOT the case.

I however have approached a break through. I am not going to invest too much into this relationship. I will keep you guys posted on any updates. More online dating debacles to come, be on standby.

Now you see right….. I’m a Hot Mess.

Golden Rule:  Ladies do not get caught in a sex black hole. Find your way out of the sex haze before it’s too late!

Tips for Guys: Please be straight up with us; just let us know if you are feeling what we are.

Threesome?

No I didn’t have a threesome you perverts, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t asked. Which is flattering but also a bit creepy considering all I said was “Hey!”  After my rough go of online dating you must be wondering….. “Why is she trying again?” The answer is, because I am crazy. Alright now that we are passed that, let’s tackle this cumbersome threesome issue.  (Saw what I did there?) When a guy asks you if you would ever have a threesome… what should your response be?  I have a friend that was asked, by her boyfriend at the time. He asked, “Would you have a threesome?” To which she replied “Sure!” Then she added “You, me and another guy right?”.  The topic of a threesome was never  discussed again. So that’s a good way to handle it.

The way that I handle it is that I block the person on the dating site and never speak to them again. The thing is though; guys really do ask this question a lot. My theory is, if I’m really your favorite girl…. Why would you want to share me? Like I have a favorite pair of shoes and there is no way I am lending that out, not even for one night. Not even if I was going to be in the same place with the person who was wearing it for the whole duration of them wearing it. It’s just not happening. Now I am just angry about someone wearing my favorite pair of shoes but I digress.

I am an uber jealous person so the idea of a threesome just doesn’t work for me. Guys think of it as a fantasy, but would they really want to try it with the woman that they intend to commit to? If a guy brings that up with you… is he really serious about you or your relationship? Ladies! Let me know.

Golden Rule: Never lend out your favorite pair of shoes.

Tips for guys: If you aren’t cool with a two guys, one girl threesome scenario then don’t even bother asking about it. If you are cool with it, we need to have a whole other discussion.

threesome2