The Ghosts Of Relationships Past

Hey Ladies!

Have you ever wondered how much emotional baggage we carry from one relationship to another? I have seen countless female comedians discuss this, describing it as a big Santa sized sack that we drag on our backs. Waiting for the right time to open it in our new relationships.

If you have been a long time follower and reader I thank you and I am glad you are still here. But remember when my dating life was super crazy? Remember the Christmas Dumper or the guy that bought me a hunting hat for my birthday? A hunting hat! I get upset just thinking about that guy. I wonder though how much of all that past trauma does Brad have to deal with and visa versa?

Also ladies, I am not saying that this is just us. Guys have baggage too, they have to lol. They just hide it better or they throw it all in the bin as soon as they meet the new girl. Wouldn’t that be nice ladies? If we could actually not remember and hold on to every little thing and actually throw things in the bin? Speaking from experience, I know first hand how women think and how we remember everything! And I mean everything.

But what if we didn’t remember every little thing? What if we just left the appropriate amount of trauma and scenarios behind? What would we be like then? Imagine a powerful woman, unencumbered by the ghosts of her past relationships?

I have been with Brad for almost 4 years now and I would like to think that everything in the past was just erased, but I know deep down its not. The only thing that I thought could erase negative experiences in past relationships was time, but that’s not true.

We can consciously make a decision to not let the past affect use. Leave losers and past relationships in the past where they belong. Would we all just become superwomen if we did that? Think about all the brain space we would free up to contemplate the meaning of life? LOL

Lets work on it, I know I will.

Golden Rule: Leave the past in the past and only live in the now.

The Different Stages Of Life

Hey Ladies,

I hope you are all awesome and thriving! As I am getting older its amazing how all the mysteries of life are unravelling. I am realizing what positively and negatively affects my life and have the where with all to discern between the two. I am actually old enough to know when something doesn’t serve me and can simply cut it out of my life. Anyway, my weird rant is over, I am here to give you an update.

Brad and I are living happily in our condo and I am getting use to this new stage of life. That weird place between girl friend and house wife. That weird place between talking about marriage and being engaged. That weird place where literally everyone you know constantly asks “when are you going to get married?” That place where your answer is literally soon but you don’t actually know when.

I am realizing that we all just rush through all the stages in our lives and never really appreciate them while we are there. Like in this moment, I am currently looking forward to the next stage of life. But will I soon realize that having a condo with your boyfriend and being able to do whatever you want, whenever you want is like the best stage?

I was recently speaking with a friend who is currently dating around and trying to find her Mr. Right, and I suddenly realized that a little part of me missed that stage. Don’t get me wrong, I am super happy that I met my Mr. Right but man was it fun going out on dates and getting all dolled up. All the hilarious stories I use to have. I mean I don’t have to tell you guys, its all documented here in my blog. While I was dating around though, all I could think about was getting to the next stage, settling down. Isn’t life weird?

I am finally in a place where I actually would like to enjoy my current stage. How about we just take a breadth and look around? Try to actually enjoy our life stage. I mean soon enough, we will be on the next one. We will look back and think how good things were and maybe miss that previous stage. Growing up has made me realize what ‘youth is wasted on the young’ really means. I realize that I am still basically a youth at the ripe age of 32 and by no means have I lived even half of my life (God Willing) but it’s crazy how my views on everything have changed.

Speaking of life stages, I currently am in the Instagram Photography life stage as well lol. I will now continue to a shameless plug. Please go check out my photography page on Instagram called tan_picturesque . Let me know if you like it.

Anyway, I am done spitting knowledge. Let me know what you guys think. What life stage are you on and which life stage do you wish you went a little bit slower on?

Golden Rule: Enjoy the little things and appreciate where you are in life because trust me, time flies.

Tips for guys: Maybe propose to your girlfriends soon, so they aren’t stuck in that weird engaged /not engaged phase for sooo long. LOL

Adulting 101

Hey Ladies and Gents!

It has been a minute! I have literally not had the time to write or more importantly did not feel inspired to for quite some time. In an effort to get back to my old self, here I am! Writing again.

There has been so many changes in my life that my head is spinning. This year has taken me to places that I always wanted to go, but never quite made it to. For starters Brad and I bought a condo and it is beautiful, at least in my opinion but I am biased. I am in a new stable job which I consider a good step in my day job. Office politics however seems to be insanely rampant but I am at the stage in my life where I want to focus on all the good things. All the things in life that actually matter, like love and family and joy. I know I sound corny but I am old now. I am 31, hold crap… call an ambulance. As you get older you actually do get wiser like the old people use to say. I am now one of those old people.

I digress lol. I have my own home for me to decorate and cook in (rarely). I am at the stage in my life where I am looking forward to having a family and is actually enjoying just living a cozy simple life. I went through all the right steps with my mom as to not leave her in a bad spot. She’s is happy for me and basically comes over all the time now. She is my road map for what a strong woman should look like. I am now just emulating her in everything that I do in my own home and with my own 2 person family. My mother is endlessly giving and has a such a big heart. I can only aspire to be as open to people as she is. I am pretty open and giving but I do not take likely to people taking advantage of that quality. See this is the wiser thing I was talking about earlier. I am older now and is taking the least amount of shit from people for the first time in my life.

I am learning how to be a life partner and how to cohabitate with another human whom, I am not related to. It’s tough sometimes but over all pretty fun. It’s like having a sleepover that never ends. This is definitely a new chapter in my life where I am not single. Who knew we would ever get here? Not only am I not single, I am literally living with a boy lol. This pretty much betrays the title of my blog, but I am not changing it because it’s still true. Being single is hard and being an adult is even harder.

I will be filling you all in and any juicey stories that come my way and am happy to share this new chapter with you all.

Golden Rule: Buy an Insta Pot and an Air Fryer as soon as you buy a home, you’ll thank me later.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Hi Folks!

It has been a while! I have so much to catch you up on. I was just re-reading my last post and comparing where I was a year ago to right now. We are coming to the end of the pandemic, at-least here in Canada. More and more people are getting vaccinated and life seems like it’s going to get back to normal.

I have since found a new job which I really like and I work from home which is pretty amazing. I get to really enjoy my workspace because it’s actually my bedroom. I really am starting to feel like all the chips that were up in the air for much of 2020 are starting to fall and they are falling in the right places.

I know what you wanna ask! How’s Brad doing? He is doing absolutely fine. We made it through all the turmoil of the pandemic and is actually in a sweet spot. We are looking to make a big move which I won’t mention until it’s all done. But when it’s all done, you’ll know! LOL

I have been watching a lot of episodes of this show called couples therapy, which definitely feels a lot like individual therapy. Like everything these couples think is wrong with their relationships is just stemming from like personal trauma. I mean I always knew that but this shows makes me like really know that. Definitely give this show a watch when you have a chance. It’s definitely giving me some new perspectives on relationships and how to handle issues that arise.

I find couples usually fall into the same ruts or have the same fights but watching this show helps me to see all the work arounds. Anyways enough about this show, I mean I should be getting paid for all the marketing I’m doing. You’re welcome HBO, I’m expecting a check in the mail any day now.

Anyway, just wanted to say I’m feeling good. I’m feeling positive. I’m on like a personal purge at the moment where I am just like weeding out all the negative vibes from my life. It’s been really great. Like anything that does not bring me pleasure or adds positivity to my life is just not being focused on. It feels awesome. I feel like it’s time to progress and this is the way to do it.

I hope all the things I have said, affects you guys in a positive way. I hope my light at the end of the tunnel helps you find yours if you are looking for one!

Golden Rule: Positive Vibes Only Really Helps With Like Everything.

Tips For Guys: Watch Couples Therapy With Your Girl! It’s gonna help!

Just Once

Hello Ladies,

I know it’s been quite a while since I wrote anything. And it’s not for lack of free time, it’s just that basically nothing is happening to me that is worth writing about. At least I thought there wasn’t. I do feel the need to update you guys though as it’s been a rough week.

So has anyone dated a Capricorn before because I can’t figure him out. Yes, I’m still with Brad and man has this pandemic been hitting us hard. We don’t live together yet and our parents are always home due to the restrictions. So we basically have no private time together and it’s slowly killing me. Brad, not so much. He is a man of many interests and sometimes I question how high I am on that list.

I have been feeling shitty lately about how I perceive I’m being treated in this relationship. I also would like to say that this whole past week, I was on my period which makes everything feel extra intense. But some of the issues that came up this week were things discussed before. So I’m not going to just blame it all on Mother Nature.

During this pandemic, I haven’t really seen my friends much because they live a little ways away. I have been trying to keep my bubble very small and that includes Brad. He’s been kind of like my only friend throughout this whole thing but maybe that’s a mistake. I can’t do that because he loves to be busy with his hobbies and to be un-disturbed. Also according to him, binge watching shows isn’t a hobby, so basically I have gotta go find one.

While we are going through our tough times, I have started to reflect on past relationships. And if you have been following me from the beginning, you know how those turned out. I have just been thinking about how I have been treated by guys over the past like 5 years which is when I seriously started dating. If you have been a fan you know it wasn’t good. And we watch TV and see couples that are so in love or you know newly weds and things like that, you can’t help but to compare your relationship to theirs.

Just once, I’d like to be the girl that someone can’t live without. Just once I’d like to be someone’s go to person. Over the past few weeks, I have been wondering if those feelings even still happen? This is my 30th year of life. Not only am I dealing with a personal crisis, I am also dealing with a world wide crisis. Why did I have to be born in 1990?! Like we have witnessed a lot. Like a lot a lot.

Anyway, my friends from New York, my sisters heck even my friends here in Canada keeps asking me; when will I be engaged. And that question is crazy to me because it’s basically asking someone, when do they think their significant other will propose. The answer is I don’t know. But I have been thinking, maybe to this person I’m not like the girl he engages. Maybe there is no fear of losing me, no like urgency. Just once, can I be the girl guys feel urgent about? I guess that’s just wishful thinking.

So that’s the update. Things are rough. I am determined to change and not depend on anyone else. I honestly have to figure out how to love being alone. I am away from my friends and my boyfriend is occupied. I need to be content in my own little Corona bubble.

So in other words, I think I’m depressed. Just kidding……. but maybe not?

Let me know how things are going for your relationships.

What’s My Calling?

Hi Folks,

It’s been a while…..just trying to hang in there with all the craziness going on. With all that said, I have been trying to be purposeful this year in all my actions. I have been trying to make this year mean something positive amongst all this negative.

I have started doing some mindfulness exercises and while I’m doing them I feel like my mind is trying to take me somewhere. And no, it’s not to sleep. Lol

I have been trying to figure out lately what my calling is. What am I best at? How do I find this out? So I haven’t exactly googled it yet…… because that’s pretty much how we figure everything out these days. But how do I figure this out naturally in real life?

I grew up watching shows about women and men being excellent at something. Macgyver was good at macgyvering. Buffy was good at slaying. Xena was good at kicking ass and making it look easy. I have got to figure out what my genius is.

What is my zainy, quirky thing that I should be sharing with the world? Is it writing? Is it singing? Is it helping people? There are endless possibilities and I have to figure it out.

If you have been with me since the start of my relationship journey, you will know that I have come a long way! This blog has evolved and changed so much. I am immensely proud of it and the person I have become.

What’s your purpose? And how did you figure it out?

Golden Rule: Use the Mindfulness section if you have a Fitbit. It’s amazing…. you won’t regret it!

Are We Making Progress?

Hi Guys!

So this week, Brad and I went to the cottage to “getaway” from it all. While we were there, the Jacob Blake story broke and was all over the news. I don’t usually get political on my blog but there are just so many things wrong with 2020 that, I’m not even sure how to move forward. Or is this what progress looks like?

People being called out for being this or being that? Is that what progress is? Racial injustices being filmed; some cases being resolved, while others will never see justice. Is this progress? I honestly can’t tell. I guess we won’t know until 10 years from now. Maybe we can’t see progress while it’s happening. I’m sure in the middle of famous wars or battles they also felt like, it would never end and had moments where they wondered if this fight was even worth fighting. I guess it is.

It’s hard to be happy in a relationship when you aren’t happy by yourself. This year has been one of the hardest of my life. I don’t think I have ever faced so much uncertainty as a professional but also as a woman of color. Being in a constant state of worry, does have nasty side effects on being in a loving relationship.

I was horribly affected by the pandemic while Brad wasn’t. So in this scenario he does feel like he needs to be the strong one, the happy one, the together one. But I’m realizing that what’s happening around us is affecting us. We should try not to make it manifest into a monster but we should acknowledge that this year is unlike any other. It is affecting us. In a few years we will be able to see just how much it has changed the world.

Let’s hope that we do in fact see progress.

Be safe everyone and try to stay positive.

2 Years, Officially!

Hi Guys!

Its officially been two years since Brad and I started this dance called our relationship. If you have been with me from the start, you know all the relationships and almost relationships I have been through. I am soooo happy I finally found something real. He is my best friend, my confidant and my lover. I don’t think I have ever been with anyone with whom I could honestly share everything with. It’s pretty refreshing.

What did we do for our anniversary you may ask?……. We had a romantic weekend at his cottage. As we all know, we are going through a pandemic right now so we didn’t have many options. It felt so good to get away from the news and social media. If anyone has a nature getaway I would highly recommend it, especially right now. We were in our own little beautiful bubble for 3 days. It was great, as we haven’t gotten to spend that much uninterrupted time together in a long time.

In the middle of all this death and sadness lets hold on to the good things that make us human. Re-examine all your relationships good or bad. This is the time to reflect on what and who is filling your life with positivity and who isn’t.

My boyfriend has been the strong one through out this entire ordeal. He is always in good spirits and is always a source of light for me which I appreciate now more than ever.

Lets just give all the people who bring us joy, a big physical or virtual hug this week!

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay

Hi Guys!

For some reason, this week has been the hardest week of this entire pandemic for me. It’s like my body and mind is ready for this to be over and I am not sure how to accept that it isn’t and probably wont be for a very long time.

I know most people are just binging Netflix and probably have already finished all of Netflix, but I am so bored at this point that I can only bring myself to watch a few hours a day. For the rest of the day I am trying to figure out ways to make my circumstance better.

This is also when you realize that this is different for everyone. Some people handle uncertainty way better than others. I handle it pretty poorly. This is the time when being happy with yourself and by yourself is put to the test. I have to feel okay on my own because I don’t even see Brad. Being in a relationship usually is a crutch for finding things to do that make you happy. But I honestly don’t have that right now. We talk via text and phone but I can’t help but feel super far from him. The other thing is that we are on total opposite ends of this pandemic. He’s on the end where he is actually making lots of money, making lots of moves at work and still see’s his work friends. I’m on the isolation end (the cave I call it). So you can see how he wouldn’t understand anything that is happening over here.

The point of this is that it’s okay to not feel okay. I never thought in a million years that I wold ever feel like this. I feel like my future is in question…… my future that I worked so hard for his currently foggy. Needless to say its been rough. I have to find a way to get through this and that is what I will be focusing on going forward.

 

Let’s Find Some Good!

Hi Ladies,

How sad is it that now that I actually have the time to blog, I haven’t been? What have I been doing you might ask?

I have been gaining weight, eating while trying to lose weight. Confusing I know. I have been trying to figure out my passion in life which is actually really hard. Like what am I good at? Maybe writing?

I read a quote that said you don’t find out your passion by thinking, you find out your passion by doing. I want to definitely do more.

I also jumped on the Tik Tok wave. Made a few videos and now I am just wondering what I am doing there. I mean I am 30 after all. So now I am thinking how to make Tik Toks that are relevant, funny and helpful. I don’t plan on twerking on my Tik Tok…… I know, how disappointing.  I haven’t quite figured out what to post. When I do, I will drop a link in here.

I have been stressing about my day job, wondering when I will return. When life will return to normal? Who knows? I am trying to come out of this time a better person, a more thoughtful person. Perhaps someone with a new skill………but honestly I haven’t accomplished any of that. I have spent most of the time worrying about what the future holds.

How’s Brad you might ask? He is good. He is lucky enough to be essential in these times so his life has generally not changed. We have been managing to see each other from time to time but definitely not enough. We have been fighting over the phone a bit and that’s just because of this stressful time and the lack of quality time(SEX!). What can I say? I recognize why we are behaving this way and I am actively trying to maybe find a new normal through these weird times.

What can we do in this time to not feel sad or worried or restless? Nothing, feel your feelings. Just try to find the good  along the way. Watch your favorite shows, eat your favorite foods, get fat! (who cares?!) and just try to be happy about the little things. You are alive, you are not sick, you can laugh, you have the capacity to grieve. Let’s just try to feel good.

Let me know how you guys are doing! Let me know some good things that are going on in your lives!