Just Once

Hello Ladies,

I know it’s been quite a while since I wrote anything. And it’s not for lack of free time, it’s just that basically nothing is happening to me that is worth writing about. At least I thought there wasn’t. I do feel the need to update you guys though as it’s been a rough week.

So has anyone dated a Capricorn before because I can’t figure him out. Yes, I’m still with Brad and man has this pandemic been hitting us hard. We don’t live together yet and our parents are always home due to the restrictions. So we basically have no private time together and it’s slowly killing me. Brad, not so much. He is a man of many interests and sometimes I question how high I am on that list.

I have been feeling shitty lately about how I perceive I’m being treated in this relationship. I also would like to say that this whole past week, I was on my period which makes everything feel extra intense. But some of the issues that came up this week were things discussed before. So I’m not going to just blame it all on Mother Nature.

During this pandemic, I haven’t really seen my friends much because they live a little ways away. I have been trying to keep my bubble very small and that includes Brad. He’s been kind of like my only friend throughout this whole thing but maybe that’s a mistake. I can’t do that because he loves to be busy with his hobbies and to be un-disturbed. Also according to him, binge watching shows isn’t a hobby, so basically I have gotta go find one.

While we are going through our tough times, I have started to reflect on past relationships. And if you have been following me from the beginning, you know how those turned out. I have just been thinking about how I have been treated by guys over the past like 5 years which is when I seriously started dating. If you have been a fan you know it wasn’t good. And we watch TV and see couples that are so in love or you know newly weds and things like that, you can’t help but to compare your relationship to theirs.

Just once, I’d like to be the girl that someone can’t live without. Just once I’d like to be someone’s go to person. Over the past few weeks, I have been wondering if those feelings even still happen? This is my 30th year of life. Not only am I dealing with a personal crisis, I am also dealing with a world wide crisis. Why did I have to be born in 1990?! Like we have witnessed a lot. Like a lot a lot.

Anyway, my friends from New York, my sisters heck even my friends here in Canada keeps asking me; when will I be engaged. And that question is crazy to me because it’s basically asking someone, when do they think their significant other will propose. The answer is I don’t know. But I have been thinking, maybe to this person I’m not like the girl he engages. Maybe there is no fear of losing me, no like urgency. Just once, can I be the girl guys feel urgent about? I guess that’s just wishful thinking.

So that’s the update. Things are rough. I am determined to change and not depend on anyone else. I honestly have to figure out how to love being alone. I am away from my friends and my boyfriend is occupied. I need to be content in my own little Corona bubble.

So in other words, I think I’m depressed. Just kidding……. but maybe not?

Let me know how things are going for your relationships.