Drunk and Disorderly 

Hello Again! So my friends birthday dinner happened last night and I honestly wanted to update you guys on what I thought would be a dreadful night. 

So one of my friends boyfriends actually wasn’t able to make it. (Thank God) I now wasn’t the only single person there. However this friend is engaged so she has no issues rolling on her own, fully confident in the fact that she is taken. I on the other hand is not fully confident… in anything really. 

My friend that was BF less that night ended up being my wing girl, so I didn’t feel like I was alone. Sure enough at the end of the night when the waiter came, my fears did come to past. He gave bills to the couples and then singled my single ass out. (Please see previous blogpost Friends with Boyfriends to get caught up.)

As the night went on, one sake (Japanese rice wine) and a cidar (strongbow) later I was a bit inebriated. The sake was 20% alcohol and I drank it as fast as water. I am also a light weight. While being a little drunk I decided to embarrass myself and randomly yell out to my friends and their boyfriends that ” I wasnt actually single”. I felt the need to point this out as I had met one of my friends boyfriends for the first time and didn’t want to seem like a loser. After I said that though there was some serious awkward silence. It was maybe just as awkward as when Dean and Jess met for the first time on Gilmore girls knowing full well they were both in-love with Rory. 

Anyway it was super weird. Then I ended having to explain myself. Not in detail of course but in a general way. “Like I sort of see someone sometimes. ” The guys were all like , ” yeah there is nothing’s wrong with that”. While my friends just awkwardly stared at me like “why are you bringing this up?”. So that was a fun dinner. Honestly it was, I just chose to embarrass myself as usual.  

On nights like that, you realize how not being connected to another human in a significant way in your 20’s is like really weird. Everyone is out all coupled up. It just makes you wonder; “what’s wrong with me?” To which the answer is “you’re an alcoholic” lol. Just kidding. The answer is, you are waiting for something extraordinary. Right?! Right! 

Golden Rule: Try not to get drunk when you are single at a couples birthday dinner. Things get weird really fast. 

Tips For Guys: Probably don’t suggest Sake to girls. It makes girls drunk really fast. Oh wait…. that’s probably what you want. Forget I mentioned it. 

Single With A Side of Amazing Sex

I mess up and I keep messing up but is there a purpose to it all? I don’t even want to make a big deal about it but I have been seeing Booty Call again. He apologized and said he didn’t mean any of it and trust me I still don’t 100% believe him. He knows however that I do have some feelings for him. So of course if he said sorry and that he wanted to make things right, it wouldn’t take much for me to be back in his bedroom having amazing, jaw dropping sex. You must be wondering how good this sex is. Imagine a guy telling you that he isn’t attracted to you, when you have feelings for him and then the minute he kisses you it all goes away. It’s almost like our bodies were made to have sex with each other but our minds are still adjusting.

He slept with someone else btw, while we were apart. So that adds some additional angst to my life. It’s caused me to pull away somewhat, which is good. Everything is back into perspective. This is just like when Felicity had to choose between Ben and Noel; except I’m Noel in this scenario and I know that Felicity and Ben are probably in the next dorm room banging. Man, Felicity was an angst filled TV show, almost as angsty  (not a real word, I checked) as my life. Imagine constantly thinking the person you want to bang most in the world, potentially banging someone else. I hate it! And he says he is not. Can I believe that though?

Status: Currently still single while having great sex.

Do I want the movie dates and the aquarium dates? Do I want to go for ice cream and out for dinner? Do I want to go to concerts and go out dancing? Does Caesar from Planet of the Apes have a lot of hard decisions to make? ( I have a mild planet of the apes obsession) The answer is yes to all of the above. It’s like I know what I want but I don’t know how to get it.

Well we did hang out the other Day, not in a bedroom setting and we were both standing up. That was a change. He met some of my friends and they liked him. He was pretty awesome all day and did all the right things but I don’t want to over think anything.  He could get over me at any time and I need to be prepared.  That isn’t really a fair way to think about things but it is the way I think. I am still thinking that I am going to run into the love of my life at the bank or something; thus being able to move on. In my head the love of my life is a British dude with an excellent job and an excellent wine collection. His name shall be Phillip or William; something ultra British, but I digress.

I do want to address the big question on everyone’s mind once again though. Did he really delete the nudes? The answer is No. Shocking I know. You are all perverts by the way. lol

Golden Rule: Excellent sex makes you do crazy things.

Tips for Guys: Delete the nudes if you say you are going to delete them. I know it’s hard but be strong.

The $2.00 Tip Debacle

So I hope your summer’s are going better than mine because I am annoyed AF. “Hunting Cap” decided that I should be his girlfriend again. He broke up with his girlfriend and within 4 days wanted to replace her with me. He called her “crazy” and outrageous. There was one particular issue that broke this couple and they were unable to recover.

Hunting Cap shared with me that his horrible ex-girlfriend yelled at him for tipping a waiter $2.00. So I wasn’t there or anything and I really shouldn’t pass any judgement but I am about to pass some judgement. I am judge Judy right now, I’m about to drop some restaurant etiquette on you.

Nothing that you order from any respectable restaurant in a metropolitan area would warrant at $2.00 tip. I mean even if a waiter spilled my drink all over me and then spat in my replacement drink would I tip the waiter $2.00. That is just not how society works. It just makes you look like a cheap ass. Plus if the waiter is hot, a little spittle might count as some action. Sorry this is just the way I think as I am single. Too gross? Oh well. Anyway I digress.

I promptly turned him down as I am no one’s second choice. Plus nothing has really changed; I mean this guy is capable of ignoring me for a full 24-48 hour period on his birthday. Needless to say, he’s cray. (See And His Name Was Hunting Cap post if you need to be brought up to speed or Ghost of Ex-Boyfriend’s Past Pt. 1 or 2. Yeah this guy is a nightmare.)I told him we are currently just friends. This doesn’t stop him from calling me every night at around 12:30 AM to just catch me up on his lack luster days. I feel like a douche-bag ignoring his calls and date proposals but I really don’t want to go down this road.

Why am I not happily skipping into a relationship with a guy that actually wants to be in a relationship you may ask?

The answer is… Booty Call is back and I am thoroughly distracted. I can’t focus on two guys at once because I have a very short attention span. How guys juggle millions of girls is a mystery. Hey, so I get it if you rolled your eyes and is thoroughly upset with me. I will lay it all out in an impending blog post. Stay tuned to find out how a guy that said he wasn’t attracted to me throughout our lengthy tryst, ended up back in my life and I back in his bed. It’s a roller coaster and I wouldn’t miss it if I were you.

Golden Rule:  Some Ex’s are just not worth it.

Tips for Guys:  Never tip a waiter $2.00. If you are going through hard times, just eat at home. Its way less embarrassing.

Friends With Boyfriends

So, I’m not trying to throw shade at all with this one.  My friends know I am so happy for them and their significant others. I mean I love when my friends are happy and getting laid on the regular. That’s quite important. Where my friends with boyfriends become a problem is when we all decide to go out for dinner, as a huge group with everyone.  It’s like the whole Grease gang gets together, Sandy, Danny, Rizzo, Kenickie,Frenchie, Putzie that other weird girl and then that one nerd who can’t get a date. That’s meeeee.  So obviously I can bring a random, but I don’t want my date and I to be on a lower level in terms of intimacy.

Like all my friends are all comfortably loved up with their BF’s you know.

I just have to remind myself that I am an adult, university educated woman who can handle being a 7th wheel.  The part that sucks is like when the server comes over and their not really paying attention as to who is obviously coupled up and who isn’t. So they innocently ask…. Are the bills together or separate? And so of course all your friends’ boyfriends with their manly voices speak up and say “I’m paying for her”. So then the waiter looks down the line………… and then there was one. I’ve got to get that debit machine and pay for my own food while all my girlfriends get a free meal and some action at the end of the night. The most action I’ll be getting is maybe a little flirtation from the server. Please let it be a guy preferably 6’0, please let him be cute.

Whatever, I’ll get over it and I absolutely can’t skip this dinner.  This is just another reason why Being Single is Hard!

So remember how I said I was going to be on a ton of hot dates. Well this is as hot as its getting this summer. Please see photographic evidence below of my pathetic dating app life.

ilikehey,hey,heyDDD

Golden Rule: Try to get a boyfriend when all your friends do… timing is everything.

Tips For Guys: Behave yourselves so that I can make you my boyfriend and go out for huge group  dates. I also want to be the coolest couple there so we’ve got work to do.

Ghosts of Ex-Boyfriends Past Pt.2

Hunting Cap has made his second and final cameo in my life. This happened a few weeks ago but it just sunk in enough for me to write about it. Kind of like when they cancelled One Tree Hill the first time and those of you who remember that show are aware that that was a tough time for us teens. Anyway the point was that this situation weighed pretty heavy on me.

So I got an anonymous text from an unknown number and the person said “Hello Tanya”. I thought this was it; this was the beginning of my own Scream movie. I was about to be Neve Campbell as she ran and clumsily stumbled to her death. I thought the next line was going to be “What’s your favorite scary movie?” But it was nothing as exciting as this. It was literally just Hunting Cap trying to wiggle himself back into my life.

So even though dating hunting cap was the worst experience of my life. When he messaged me I still thought, “Maybe he still likes me?”.  Somewhere deep inside I still had a little bit of a soft spot for hunting cap. After this current encounter however there is no more soft spot.  I never mentioned this before but in my day job…no I’m not a super hero…..even though I see how you may guess that. Anyway in my day job, I work in a field that is associated to Hunting Caps field and after a long like two day conversation he told me that he was messaging me for a job. He WAS ASKING ME FOR A JOB! I don’t mean to yell but seriously, how dare he?

This dude blocked me on Instagram and FB. He made me feel crazy for trying to still be friends with him. After our break up, I was still maybe hoping it would work but he made sure to eliminate any hope I had.  I literally told him “You can block me on Insta and FB and treat me like crap… and then ask me for a job?” Then I blocked him and that was that. Then I cried because I am a softeeeee, but I am toughening up now…. Right? I actually cried because I started questioning our entire relationship after seeing what he was capable of.

Golden Rule: Block me on all social media when we break up? Don’t ask me for a job or anything for that fact.

Tips for Guys: As If!

Ghosts of Ex-Boyfriends Past

So hunting cap made a slight re-visitation to my life and it was not a welcomed one! He re-added me on snap chat with a different username. So of course I wanted to know who the heck was adding me. I asked if it was indeed “hunting cap”.  He confirmed. I then asked if he was finished school, as he was finishing up a course while we were dating. He didn’t answer my question; instead he asked me if I missed him. I’m obviously a softee which you guys all know by now. I answered with a cool “Yeah I miss you a bit”. Expecting a “Yeah I miss you too” or “Yeah maybe we can catch up” or “I miss you so much please marry me and I will never buy you a hunting cap again”. Nope, I got none of those.

I got “Sorry, I’m seeing someone.” It felt like he slapped me across the face so hard that I had to spit out my wine. (because I only drink wine, duh.)

So like, why ask me if I missed you in the first place? This was to deliberately hurt me. Like is this guy even human? I thought I was over him and his lame gifting ass, but apparently I wasn’t as he still had the power to hurt me.

I hastily deleted and blocked him from my snap chat and can happily say that the “Hunting Cap” saga of my life is now done. Hooray! Anyone want to buy a hunting cap? Let me know in the comments. I might as well benefit financially from his stupidity.

Like what did I ever do to this guy other than buy him cheesecake? (Please see “And His Name Was Hunting Cap” to understand this reference.)

Golden Rule: Never give shitty ex’s a second chance.

Tips for Guys: Don’t try to hurt girls that go out of their way to buy you cheesecake. It’s just not cool bro.

Hot Mess

What is a hot mess you might ask, well that would be my personal life. I literally think I am doomed to make terrible decisions and choose the wrong guys. Is every guy before Mr. Right supposed to be terribly wrong? Sometimes I feel like my life is a horror movie, maybe like Friday the 13th. This would make sense as every time I have sex, I feel like I get bludgeoned to death by an upset man-boy who was teased at summer camp. Not following? Okay I will dive into all my wrong doings. I think I should change my blog name to “being single is hard as hell and you should probably stop trying”. What do you guys think, too long? Lol.

So, I did not end it with my fling like I said I would. In fact it just got more intense, and our sex….well let’s just say it is currently unbelievable. Now you may be rolling your eyes and thinking… “it can’t be that good”. But I am telling you, after our sex I am literally floating on a cloud talking to little fairy people. No I am not currently high on cannabis. I just want to reiterate that the sex is mind blowing. Like even he admitted it and we all know that’s rare because a guy’s capacity to express anything verbally is quite limited. Sorry guys don’t mean to throw you under the bus there but that has been my experience.

The reason my life is a hot mess is because this guy is clouding my judgement. He has literally got me wrapped around his finger. I think about him constantly and I just want to be with him. He is literally a black hole, sucking me in and I feel like I have no control. He makes me think that we have something special, but just when I think everything is perfect he pushes me away. I am so confused and I have no idea what he is thinking or if he is even thinking about me.  I ignore all other male attention because somewhere deep inside I feel like I am taken, which is NOT the case.

I however have approached a break through. I am not going to invest too much into this relationship. I will keep you guys posted on any updates. More online dating debacles to come, be on standby.

Now you see right….. I’m a Hot Mess.

Golden Rule:  Ladies do not get caught in a sex black hole. Find your way out of the sex haze before it’s too late!

Tips for Guys: Please be straight up with us; just let us know if you are feeling what we are.

The Art of Ghosting

Ghosting is a tricky beast. When should I ghost? Who should I ghost? The answer is never and no one. The real question is “what would it feel like if I were ghosted?”. Needless to say through my horrific online dating experiences I have been ghosted multiple times. I try my best not to ghost people because I don’t think it’s fair. This person actually liked you enough to speak with you, so unless this person is giving off a serious Freddy Cougar vibe please politely decline. The worst type of ghosting is when you have been actively texting a guy for maybe two full days and out of nowhere he unfriends you on Facebook and never replies to your messages.  Its like “what the heck did I do? I just asked what you were having for dinner.”

If you are online dating and you say you have not been ghosted or have not been the “ghostee” (new word, patent pending), you are totally lying. Even I, the self-righteous blogger have ghosted. But only when things have gotten really weird. I try not to ghost until it’s absolutely necessary. Cases such as these:

Comelivewithme2

maniac2

Third Person2

 

Golden Rule: Ghosting is bad until absolutely necessary.

Tips for Guys: Stop being weird, sheesh!

The Notebook Theory

So my biggest fear in life is being the widow from the Notebook. You know the one… the lady that is sleeping with Noah while he isn’t with Allie. I believe her name was Martha Shaw.  What if everyone else’s life including my ex boyfriends is their own personal version of the notebook. Ever feel like everyone out there is finding their true love while you are stuck being Martha Shaw? The widow that was the dinner making, sex having pit stop for Noah until Allie came back. So this is a pretty dark theory based on some personal issues (see previous post “Sweet Nothings”).

For some reason I think that I met and lost something special because my ex, (let’s call him “Noah”) is off being in-love with someone else and its posted all over social media. Sure it’s up to me not to go clicking but who can really resist. I need to see their life and if they are happy even though it tortures me. Has anyone ever been through this?

I mean where are the nice guys? Who actually mean it when they say they want a relationship? Are we meeting the nice guys too late and they have already fallen in love with someone else? I leave you with a sweet yet a little creepy message I received on my dating App. If only this guy was normal. See message below.

Golden Rule: Trying to figure out your love life may lead to some weird theories.

Tips for Guys: Please, Please! If you are in love with someone else, don’t go on a dating site claiming that you are looking for a relationship.

Niceguypic

And His Name Was “Hunting Cap”

Hello Ladies! I’m sorry I left you for a bit again. I was once again trying out a relationship which was empty and void as most are. This time I was skeptical thanks to my previous bout with “almost love”.  I was suspicious the entire time. Within two weeks of talking to this guy he asked me to be his GF. No idea why that fast but I wasn’t really in a position to say no (as I desperately wanted to be someone’s GF). I was eager to jump into something else because my ex told me he found his soulmate and had to leave me. I was adamant at showing him that I could find my soul mate too. Evidently I can’t as I am the author of a singles blog lol.

So it was a whirl wind, we dated for about a month. (This is my new record lol) In the beginning it was all texts all the time. He was there for me through a bit of a tough time in my life. (let’s just say 2017 hasn’t been a cake walk.)  I knew deep down this guy wasn’t the one, but I thought “there is no reason he couldn’t be Mr. Right Now”. I desperately wanted to give this guy a chance. After about 2 weeks the text messaging got really light. Maybe like 1 a day. (much like the ladies vitamin which I seriously recommend. Especially the gummies but I digress.) So this guy or shall we call him “Hunting Cap” was in school and also worked very odd hours which I was very much aware of when I entered the relationship. However he assured me more than once that he would make time to see me and hang out with me.  When the texts started getting light I tried to break it off, as I felt myself having anxiety constantly waiting for a text from my so called “Boyfriend”. When I tried to break it off, he literally begged me not to. He said he could make this work and that he didn’t want to just give up. So he got a second chance.

I don’t want to drag this on but this story ends with him ignoring me on a day when I planned to celebrate his upcoming birthday. I bought cheesecake for him (I strongly dislike cheesecake), I got his favorite beer and was fully ready to order takeout. Invited him over to my house to have a special pre-birthday hang out, I thought I was being nice. Apparently this sounded like a day in a hell dimension to “Hunting Cap”.  He didn’t text me for like a full maybe 24-36 hours. While I text him like 100 times asking where he was?….what he was doing?…was he still coming? I was met with radio silence. I finally indicated through text that we were over and that I couldn’t carry on in a relationship like this. The following day he simply explained that he left his phone at his friend’s house. HIS FRIEND’S HOUSE! Sorry for yelling but is that not just the lamest excuse in the book.  Then he stated that he didn’t have time for me and that I should go find myself someone who had time for me (slap in the face much?). That was the end of that. So 2/2 relationships tried ended in disaster.  I am currently on a dating hiatus…. I call it Man free March. My idea of man free though does not discount my occasional tryst which just keeps all my needs met if you know what I am saying (wink, wink.)  Don’t worry I am not keeping secrets, there will be an impending blog post coming up with the details.

So why do we call him hunting cap you ask? That’s what he got me for my birthday. A hunting cap… A HUNTING CAP! There has been a lot of yelling in this post and I do apologize. I repetitively told him that I would never go hunting with him as that was his thing. But what does he get his ultra girly girlfriend for her birthday. A hunting cap. Not a bath bomb from Lush, which should be every guy’s go to…. But a hunting cap. Okay rant over. Picture of hunting cap below, please let me know if anyone would like to take it off my hands.

Golden Rule:  Try not to date a guy who has too much on his plate, as it makes for a lot of anxiety on your end.

Tips For Guys: Never buy a girl a hunting cap for any occasion, not even if she is actually going hunting with you. If Kate Spade starts a line of hunting caps this tip may be altered.

hunting cap