Just Once

Hello Ladies,

I know it’s been quite a while since I wrote anything. And it’s not for lack of free time, it’s just that basically nothing is happening to me that is worth writing about. At least I thought there wasn’t. I do feel the need to update you guys though as it’s been a rough week.

So has anyone dated a Capricorn before because I can’t figure him out. Yes, I’m still with Brad and man has this pandemic been hitting us hard. We don’t live together yet and our parents are always home due to the restrictions. So we basically have no private time together and it’s slowly killing me. Brad, not so much. He is a man of many interests and sometimes I question how high I am on that list.

I have been feeling shitty lately about how I perceive I’m being treated in this relationship. I also would like to say that this whole past week, I was on my period which makes everything feel extra intense. But some of the issues that came up this week were things discussed before. So I’m not going to just blame it all on Mother Nature.

During this pandemic, I haven’t really seen my friends much because they live a little ways away. I have been trying to keep my bubble very small and that includes Brad. He’s been kind of like my only friend throughout this whole thing but maybe that’s a mistake. I can’t do that because he loves to be busy with his hobbies and to be un-disturbed. Also according to him, binge watching shows isn’t a hobby, so basically I have gotta go find one.

While we are going through our tough times, I have started to reflect on past relationships. And if you have been following me from the beginning, you know how those turned out. I have just been thinking about how I have been treated by guys over the past like 5 years which is when I seriously started dating. If you have been a fan you know it wasn’t good. And we watch TV and see couples that are so in love or you know newly weds and things like that, you can’t help but to compare your relationship to theirs.

Just once, I’d like to be the girl that someone can’t live without. Just once I’d like to be someone’s go to person. Over the past few weeks, I have been wondering if those feelings even still happen? This is my 30th year of life. Not only am I dealing with a personal crisis, I am also dealing with a world wide crisis. Why did I have to be born in 1990?! Like we have witnessed a lot. Like a lot a lot.

Anyway, my friends from New York, my sisters heck even my friends here in Canada keeps asking me; when will I be engaged. And that question is crazy to me because it’s basically asking someone, when do they think their significant other will propose. The answer is I don’t know. But I have been thinking, maybe to this person I’m not like the girl he engages. Maybe there is no fear of losing me, no like urgency. Just once, can I be the girl guys feel urgent about? I guess that’s just wishful thinking.

So that’s the update. Things are rough. I am determined to change and not depend on anyone else. I honestly have to figure out how to love being alone. I am away from my friends and my boyfriend is occupied. I need to be content in my own little Corona bubble.

So in other words, I think I’m depressed. Just kidding……. but maybe not?

Let me know how things are going for your relationships.

What’s My Calling?

Hi Folks,

It’s been a while…..just trying to hang in there with all the craziness going on. With all that said, I have been trying to be purposeful this year in all my actions. I have been trying to make this year mean something positive amongst all this negative.

I have started doing some mindfulness exercises and while I’m doing them I feel like my mind is trying to take me somewhere. And no, it’s not to sleep. Lol

I have been trying to figure out lately what my calling is. What am I best at? How do I find this out? So I haven’t exactly googled it yet…… because that’s pretty much how we figure everything out these days. But how do I figure this out naturally in real life?

I grew up watching shows about women and men being excellent at something. Macgyver was good at macgyvering. Buffy was good at slaying. Xena was good at kicking ass and making it look easy. I have got to figure out what my genius is.

What is my zainy, quirky thing that I should be sharing with the world? Is it writing? Is it singing? Is it helping people? There are endless possibilities and I have to figure it out.

If you have been with me since the start of my relationship journey, you will know that I have come a long way! This blog has evolved and changed so much. I am immensely proud of it and the person I have become.

What’s your purpose? And how did you figure it out?

Golden Rule: Use the Mindfulness section if you have a Fitbit. It’s amazing…. you won’t regret it!

Are We Making Progress?

Hi Guys!

So this week, Brad and I went to the cottage to “getaway” from it all. While we were there, the Jacob Blake story broke and was all over the news. I don’t usually get political on my blog but there are just so many things wrong with 2020 that, I’m not even sure how to move forward. Or is this what progress looks like?

People being called out for being this or being that? Is that what progress is? Racial injustices being filmed; some cases being resolved, while others will never see justice. Is this progress? I honestly can’t tell. I guess we won’t know until 10 years from now. Maybe we can’t see progress while it’s happening. I’m sure in the middle of famous wars or battles they also felt like, it would never end and had moments where they wondered if this fight was even worth fighting. I guess it is.

It’s hard to be happy in a relationship when you aren’t happy by yourself. This year has been one of the hardest of my life. I don’t think I have ever faced so much uncertainty as a professional but also as a woman of color. Being in a constant state of worry, does have nasty side effects on being in a loving relationship.

I was horribly affected by the pandemic while Brad wasn’t. So in this scenario he does feel like he needs to be the strong one, the happy one, the together one. But I’m realizing that what’s happening around us is affecting us. We should try not to make it manifest into a monster but we should acknowledge that this year is unlike any other. It is affecting us. In a few years we will be able to see just how much it has changed the world.

Let’s hope that we do in fact see progress.

Be safe everyone and try to stay positive.

Keep Swimming

Hello Everyone!

So I am one of the lucky people who lost their jobs due to this pandemic and am literally on my 4th month of losing my mind,…… I mean 4th month of meditation. I know people think staying home is easy and it definitely is a lot easier than what many other countries have had to do during a pandemic. However, I am literally going bonkers. Treat this like a vacation everyone says, but at least on vacation I know that I would still be getting paid from my job.

I am so uneasy and isolated. Literally the theme of my quarantine. The government mandates us not to see people so we don’t see people. It also doesn’t help that my friends all live at least 45 minutes away and have bolstering social calendars.

I can’t figure out if I am isolated or self isolating. They are all still working so I feel like I don’t have much to discuss with them. My boyfriend is still working as well. So basically no one that I speak to on the regular, understands how hard it is to not feel insane. I don’t want to say the D word but sometimes I feel it coming on.

Being off for 4 months doesn’t mean I did many summer like things with all my time off either. Many places are closed due to our impending doom aka covid 19. The people I want to spend time with are all working and don’t have time off. So this all blows.

I also of late have been having this feeling, that I could be doing so much more with my life. Like every time I have an idea to do something out of the box, I talk myself out of it. These past few months I have been trying to work on myself, but its hard for all that work to stick. I have honestly tried the positivity thing, like see all the good and not focus on the bad. It’s just all hard to do when you don’t feel great, but we must all fight on.

Quarantine Tips: Just keep swimming!

The Relevance Of Routine

Hi Guys,

In my last blog I referenced an episode of “Coronavirus, Explained” on Netflix. If you have watched it then great! If not please refer to my last blog “Coping Mechanism” and then watch it, in that order (hehehe). For those of us who have watched it and is now using all the coping mechanism, I commend you.

Just yesterday I was reading all my earlier blogs and I have realized how my blog has evolved over the years. It was at first about dating and the difficulties of associating with douche bags for lack of a better term. Now I am happily in a stable relationship with someone whom I actually see a future with. Yet, this pandemic, our feelings of isolation and global circumstances around it has taken over. I do apologize for all this content and do wish there was way more Juicier content to share. The most exciting thing Brad and I have been doing is a Marvel Movie Marathon, but by all means please let me know if you would like me to brief you on those. We are also going to the cottage again soon, so that’s always amazing.

I have stability in my love life which is great with everything else being upside down. Literally everyday now I try to have a routine for myself. I look for jobs for about 2 hours, which is honestly the most stressful part of my day. I try to incorporate a walk so I can get my steps in and then I try to give my day some kind of purpose.

This week I had a Handmaid’s Tale Day which was super intense but rewarding at the end. I am not going to lie, Handmaid’s tale makes me feel all kinds of feelings. I actually cried watching the season 3 finale. No spoilers but WOW. That’s all I will say.

I am going to try to give myself a purpose each day. Also lets keep in mind that I have been in quarantine since March and I am just now actually upholding to some kind of routine. So don’t feel bad if you haven’t found your groove yet Stella! (That’s a movie reference, let me know if you get it)

Anyway, just letting you know this has been helping me. I also love to sing and I love to write. So I am actively trying to write more blogs. So here you are apart of my routine!

Golden Rule: Find the routine that works for you and make it fun!

The Handmaid's Tale': TV's Most Chilling Trump-Era Series ...

Coping Mechanisms

Hi Guys,

So I watched a super interesting episode of explained yesterday on Netflix and I definitely wanted to share this with you. Some people I know watch the show Explained on Netflix and many people I know don’t. To those people I say why?! Do you not want to know the whats what on racism, the stock market, sex, and a plethora of other subjects. It is literally 30 minutes of pure information and pure fire. Should I be on the Netflix marketing team?

Anyway, the episode in question is about coping through all the stressors that this pandemic has caused. So this particular explained series is called “Coronavirus, Explained” and all the episodes are based on one aspect of how this Pandemic has changed our lives. I think everyone and I mean everyone should watch it. It just allows you to understand on a greater platform, what is actually taking place and how everyone on the planet is facing the same exact circumstances.

I won’t share any spoilers but I do want to touch on a few things. Over the past few months, I have been laid off and have had to struggle with major uncertainty in my life. With that being said; I have had trouble sleeping, I watch the news or is attached to some social media outlet constantly, I have anxiety and I have an overall feeling of isolation. Does any of this sound familiar? I mean most people all over the world is struggling with all the same things but knowing everyone is going through it as well, doesn’t really help me cope. What helps me cope is knowing what helps them cope, which is exactly what this episode explored.

I won’t tell you what those coping mechanisms are because I want you to watch the episode. What a tease I am right? What I will tell you is that it’s narrated by Idris Elba and like who doesn’t want to hear him talk for 30 minutes? You’re Welcome.

Golden Rule: Just take a few deep breaths and everything will eventually shift into its rightful place.

2020…. The Worst?

Hi Guys,

Are you over this year? Yeah me too. Things are getting crazier by the minute. Everything has been in complete upheaval starting with society, the economy, medical issues and environmental issues. The entire globe is on fire and not just for social change. Have humans on a whole just been tweeting and gramming ourselves into a black hole? Perhaps.

I myself as a Canadian woman of color have experienced injustices but I can only speak to the ones that I am aware of and of course I am lobbying for social change. Social change for black people and all other people of color who have been taught by society that they are some how less than or not good enough. I rarely get political on my blog but I will make my allegiances clear. Treating everyone no matter their color as equals is like 400 years over due.

That being said, this year has taught me a lot about myself and those I want to surround myself with. I saw this quote that said you have to decide when its okay to let go of people but also; to let go of the part of yourself that allowed those people to treat you badly. No one can treat you badly or make you feel less than, unless you allow them to. I am not doing that anymore. There are a lot of relationships in my life that needed some evaluation and I am proud to say they have been evaluated. People need to add positivity and value to your life just as you should to theirs.

I know this blog had been really heavy but this year has forced me to reflect on some pretty heavy things. As for Brad and I we are good. This year has put a monkey wrench in our plans and the rest of the world’s plans. So we are basically dealing with this massive delay in starting our lives together. However I must also see this as a well needed moment of rest and reflection. Everything happens for a reason. If we were meant to buy a house in 2020 we would have but maybe God has other plans.

Golden Rule: Stay positive and protect your energy.

2 Years, Officially!

Hi Guys!

Its officially been two years since Brad and I started this dance called our relationship. If you have been with me from the start, you know all the relationships and almost relationships I have been through. I am soooo happy I finally found something real. He is my best friend, my confidant and my lover. I don’t think I have ever been with anyone with whom I could honestly share everything with. It’s pretty refreshing.

What did we do for our anniversary you may ask?……. We had a romantic weekend at his cottage. As we all know, we are going through a pandemic right now so we didn’t have many options. It felt so good to get away from the news and social media. If anyone has a nature getaway I would highly recommend it, especially right now. We were in our own little beautiful bubble for 3 days. It was great, as we haven’t gotten to spend that much uninterrupted time together in a long time.

In the middle of all this death and sadness lets hold on to the good things that make us human. Re-examine all your relationships good or bad. This is the time to reflect on what and who is filling your life with positivity and who isn’t.

My boyfriend has been the strong one through out this entire ordeal. He is always in good spirits and is always a source of light for me which I appreciate now more than ever.

Lets just give all the people who bring us joy, a big physical or virtual hug this week!

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay

Hi Guys!

For some reason, this week has been the hardest week of this entire pandemic for me. It’s like my body and mind is ready for this to be over and I am not sure how to accept that it isn’t and probably wont be for a very long time.

I know most people are just binging Netflix and probably have already finished all of Netflix, but I am so bored at this point that I can only bring myself to watch a few hours a day. For the rest of the day I am trying to figure out ways to make my circumstance better.

This is also when you realize that this is different for everyone. Some people handle uncertainty way better than others. I handle it pretty poorly. This is the time when being happy with yourself and by yourself is put to the test. I have to feel okay on my own because I don’t even see Brad. Being in a relationship usually is a crutch for finding things to do that make you happy. But I honestly don’t have that right now. We talk via text and phone but I can’t help but feel super far from him. The other thing is that we are on total opposite ends of this pandemic. He’s on the end where he is actually making lots of money, making lots of moves at work and still see’s his work friends. I’m on the isolation end (the cave I call it). So you can see how he wouldn’t understand anything that is happening over here.

The point of this is that it’s okay to not feel okay. I never thought in a million years that I wold ever feel like this. I feel like my future is in question…… my future that I worked so hard for his currently foggy. Needless to say its been rough. I have to find a way to get through this and that is what I will be focusing on going forward.

 

Let’s Find Some Good!

Hi Ladies,

How sad is it that now that I actually have the time to blog, I haven’t been? What have I been doing you might ask?

I have been gaining weight, eating while trying to lose weight. Confusing I know. I have been trying to figure out my passion in life which is actually really hard. Like what am I good at? Maybe writing?

I read a quote that said you don’t find out your passion by thinking, you find out your passion by doing. I want to definitely do more.

I also jumped on the Tik Tok wave. Made a few videos and now I am just wondering what I am doing there. I mean I am 30 after all. So now I am thinking how to make Tik Toks that are relevant, funny and helpful. I don’t plan on twerking on my Tik Tok…… I know, how disappointing.  I haven’t quite figured out what to post. When I do, I will drop a link in here.

I have been stressing about my day job, wondering when I will return. When life will return to normal? Who knows? I am trying to come out of this time a better person, a more thoughtful person. Perhaps someone with a new skill………but honestly I haven’t accomplished any of that. I have spent most of the time worrying about what the future holds.

How’s Brad you might ask? He is good. He is lucky enough to be essential in these times so his life has generally not changed. We have been managing to see each other from time to time but definitely not enough. We have been fighting over the phone a bit and that’s just because of this stressful time and the lack of quality time(SEX!). What can I say? I recognize why we are behaving this way and I am actively trying to maybe find a new normal through these weird times.

What can we do in this time to not feel sad or worried or restless? Nothing, feel your feelings. Just try to find the good  along the way. Watch your favorite shows, eat your favorite foods, get fat! (who cares?!) and just try to be happy about the little things. You are alive, you are not sick, you can laugh, you have the capacity to grieve. Let’s just try to feel good.

Let me know how you guys are doing! Let me know some good things that are going on in your lives!