What Do I Want?

Relationships are tough as we all know via my past blogs. You all of a sudden have to bring another person into your world and all of their problems become your problems on top of your own problems.  I like having a person that is “mine” but at the same time I need to admit that I enjoy my freedom. Ask any of my friends and they will let you know that I am super impulsive and do what I want when it comes to guys.  I also have to admit that being with Picky Eater was making me somewhat miserable. I literally wrote blogs complaining about him. I realize now though that most women will take being miserable over being alone.

Hey! I get it, because that girl is me. I would rather hold on to a shitty relationship than break up with a guy and be alone. All my friends are in relationships right now while I’m out here singing sad songs like Taylor Swift after a breakup. (Love me some Tay Tay) Its literally like even toddlers are dating now, why can’t I? I have to admit that I think that being a woman in her late 20’s (don’t ask me my age snoopy) and not being in a committed relationship or has never been in one is weird. My mom literally was living with my dad when she was 20 (with children). Times have changed.

My mother who has seen all there is to see and done all there is to do, looks at me and tells me not to rush it. I think she is crazy and should be super disappointed, but she sees me go through these awful relationships and it saddens her. Needless to say she is completely on board with my guy break.

I do feel like I have a disability though, not being able to keep a man as they say. I thought I was supposed to be myself in a relationship but maybe I need to be something else. I really don’t know at this point. Guys have a clear cardboard cutout of what they want, but I literally have no idea.

In conclusion I am a hot mess which I believe I have mentioned several times, it may be the one consistent theme throughout all this. Trying to work on myself and love me more. I want an awesome relationship but I’m having trouble passing the honeymoon stage. Maybe I need to be stranded on a desert island with a handsome stranger or stranded on a mountain top with Idris Elba. That’s how people fall in love… when they have no choice. (Please go see “The Mountain Between Us” if you have time. Very good film. I have two words for you; Idris and Elba.)

Golden Rule: Lets all figure out what we actually want.

Tips For Guys: Teach me your decisiveness because I literally don’t know what I want anymore.

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Hard To Let Go

Hi Ladies, so things have been rough on me. My friends say I take these break ups too hard but that’s because I go into every relationship thinking this could be the one. Ummm so far it hasn’t. I find it super hard to believe that after speaking to me every day for 2 months someone can drop you like a hot potato (never liked that game anyway). So I need to forget about him and enjoy my “Guy Break”. As all of my friends in relationships complain about the things that their men do. I have nothing to complain about…. Other than the fact that I will spend eternity alone, but no big deal.

I have said it before but it’s hard for me to let go of stuff but this one I have to throw into the ocean just like Old Rose did with the Giant diamond at the end of Titanic. I mean if I was to message him, what would I even say?

  1. I miss you so much. Please be with me?
  2. I hate you and hope that you get really bad indigestion for 5 years.
  3. Are you seeing someone else because that’s not fair.

Yeah, so all of those are pathetic so I will continue with my silence.  I find that after a breakup, girls are usually sad and guys just move right along. Then like 3 months down the line is when they feel any sort of regret. By then most girls have moved on. I sincerely hope that’s the case for Picky Eater and I. Man, I gotta stop writing about this guy but I am literally scared to death to date anyone else.

I think about him so much and all the fun things we did. So many things remind me of him and yeah I hate him I think.

P.S. I saw Booty Call again. It’s still not a huge deal though.

Golden Rule: Never text a dude after a breakup, it comes off as pathetic…. I think.

Tips for Guys: Sorry, I’m on a guy break.

Over It… But Not Really.

I am trying to change my outlook on life because if you haven’t been reading, it’s kind of a train wreck. (Read “And So It Ends” to get caught up) I have decided to take a dating break. Surprise, Surprise right? I am going to focus on me. This doesn’t mean that things are going to get boring around here though. After my breakup, I gave booty call a call again. Yes I know, I’m weak.  It was great sex as usual but I don’t think it’s going to be a thing. I am literally over all guys past and present. I have decided to spend the holidays watching and adding every corny Christmas movie ever made to my Netflix queue.

( Watch “How Sarah Got Her Wings” when you get a chance)

I have tried to re-download Tinder but it literally gives me anxiety. So I have deleted it. I don’t have Bumble anymore either. I am literally not on any dating sites and am finally just waiting to meet someone in real life. I know… weird right?

I have of course have been creeping Picky Eater because I am not completely over it. I have noticed that a new girl started following him on Instagram and he followed her back. So naturally I assume he is seeing someone else. I also check his time stamps on WhatsApp like every 5 hours. I have been getting better as the WhatsApp checking has slowed down to once a week.

Today I deleted all his pics from my phone and his phone number is just a number no name. These are my lame steps to getting over a break up. Don’t follow them though, do what normal girls do and just go cold turkey. I find that it’s super hard for me to let go of things so I need to work on that.

I am also trying really hard not to go all Doctor Foster on Picky Eater. (If you haven’t seen Doctor Foster on Netflix you are tripping. It’s basically the new gone girl). See how much Netflix I watch? A quite unhealthy amount.

Golden Rule: Slowly but surely delete the Dumpee from your life and all will be well.

Tips for Guys: Watch Doctor Foster and see what happens when women get angry. JK… but not really.

And So It Ends

Girl tries Tinder for the first time. Guy talks to girl on Tinder first. Unsuspecting girl thinks, “ah, this is a nice guy”. Girl tells guy that she does not do hookups. Guy agrees and exclaims that he doesn’t either. Girl dates guy, girl thinks its going great. Girl overlooks all of guys flaws (and believe me there were a lot). Girl sleeps with guy because after a month of dating she somewhat thought it was a safe bet. Guy convinced girl that he cared based on his behavior. Guy started acting weird and texting got sporadic. Girl started feeling pushed away. Guy then gave girl an ultimatum because his life was just getting too busy to keep her in it (I’ve heard this one before). Girl realized that if a guy gives an ultimatum its usually a way to get out of a relationship. Girl doesn’t want to be with a guy who doesn’t want to be with her. Girl agrees to part ways.

Girl is single again. Woohooo, just in time for the holidays. Christmas dinner is going to be really fun.

The End.

Golden Rule: Don’t start dating a guy within 6-12 months of Christmas, so like never.

Tips for Guys: Just Don’t.

Chill Pill

Hi Ladies, Its been a rocky week for Picky Eater and I…. though Picky Eater has no idea anything is going on lol. Am I the only one who does this? I basically have entire arguments in my head about the crap that he does. To him though I play it cool because I don’t want to seem crazy. This week he took the disappearing act thing up a notch to a one word answer thing. Arggghhh. Drove me crazy all week. I literally started having all these self made crazy girl theories.

Theories;

  1. He is not interested anymore and is slowly winding me down to a subtle ghosting.
  2. He is talking to another girl, thus I am no longer a priority or interesting.
  3. He is an alien.
  4. He is secretly married with children. (that’s only half a theory as one half of that is true)
  5. He’s just super busy, and doesn’t have time to chit chat.

I think its definitely number 3 but what do I know.

I am so into him, attached and invested that the thought of him pulling away for any reason is literally giving me the shakes. I mean a cried multiple times this week. Lets also keep in mind that I am PMSing, so you know…. extra emotional.

Then I woke up this morning and I decided I don’t care anymore. I am going to give myself a bloody heart attack. Which is not the way I thought I would ever get a heart attack. I always thought it would be from those little egg mcmuffins from McDonald’s that I have had for breakfast every morning this week, or from extra butter on my movie theater popcorn.

So I have officially stopped caring, stopped stressing and is taking a huge Chill Pill. I have to learn that I can’t control everything…especially dudes and what’s going on in their heads. So welcome to the era of Zen. I am just going to hang out with my friends and be happy for the impending holiday season.

I did make a deal with him though that if at anytime either of us is just not feeling this anymore, we would be straight up with each other. He agreed… so lets see if he sticks to it. I know I will.

Being Single is hard but it helps if you are Zen.

Golden Rule: You can’t overdose on chill pills so take as many as you want.

Tips for Guys: One wording a girl drives her up the wall.

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Defense Mechanism

Hi guys so I just came back from a trip. I went to Maine. It was beautiful and peaceful; it was exactly the break I needed from my fast paced life of being bored at work and rushing home to watch Netflix. The struggle is real right?

Picky Eater has been amazing, texting me every day and trying his very hardest for me to become attached. Like who texts good morning every morning without fail? Weirdos that’s who. OMG I’m kidding, I love it.

What’s happening right now is that I am stopping myself from falling in love. My constant angst and rants to my good friend who works with me (who sadly has to listen to my word diarrhea daily; sorry girl.) is about how when he doesn’t talk to me for 2-3 hours, I feel like he might ghost me. I’m like constantly reassuring myself that if he walks away from this relationship right now, I need to be prepared and not totally be shattered. It’s been like a month and I am already so invested in this relationship. I am not pressuring him for a title or anything; I’m just going with the flow and trying to be totally nonchalant.

He has no idea how crazy I am because us girls know that we have to keep the crazy in until he puts a ring on it… right? That’s what I have heard anyway as I am nowhere close to marriage (crying emoji).

So to stop myself from falling I am literally as we speak constructing the Great Wall of China around my heart. I am not going to let him all the way in until I feel comfortable. This is my defense mechanism. I need to not feel so on edge and honestly I wouldn’t be if I wasn’t so messed up from other heart breaks. It’s not fair to him, but I have to do this for my own sake. He thinks I’m falling in love with him, which is absolutely accurate but I gotta put some brakes on that.

So the big question here on everyone’s minds is did we have sex? The answer to that is none of your business really but yes we did; which totally doesn’t help my serious attachment issues. Yes it was pleasurable.

Pleasurable Sex + Super Romantic Guy = God Help Me.

Being Single is hard when you are dating someone, sheesh.

Golden Rule: Don’t let him into your heart until you are ready, keep those defenses up.

Tips For Guys: Good morning texts are the way to a girl’s heart.

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Free Fall

Why am I so apprehensive about love? I keep thinking the worse thing is going to happen or that I will never find love. I keep thinking that I don’t want to get hurt thus I should put up a wall hiding my real feelings. But shouldn’t love be a free fall? Do we free fall if we don’t allow ourselves to?

I am currently in Maine with my sister and her brilliant marriage. I mean everything might not be perfect but her husband loves her. So of course I immediately go to that place where I am wondering if I will ever find love.

Also not necessarily complaining but it’s halloween party weekend and I didn’t really get to go anywhere because I was in Maine. Like even Picky Eater went to a party and I had to just watch him go off in a cute costume. No doubt he will be eyed by many female party goers, but you know cool cool cool cool cool.

The point of this post was that I need to let myself free fall into love and not be afraid to feel what I am feeling. Also I seriously adore Picky Eater, it like hurts how much.  Anyway no golden rule or tips for guys this week just a quick check in. Don’t be afraid to to Free Fall.

The Disappearing Act

Hey Ladies, I just wanted to keep you adrift on my newest single annoyance. I happen to be going on a trip next week. Yup leaving good ole Canada for a few days, trust me I need the vacation.  Picky Eater has decided that there was no need to see me this weekend before my trip so that sucked. Also he disappears on me for hours at a time. Now I know what you are thinking… “He has stuff to do!” Yeah and I get it, he most definitely is a busy person. When he stops messaging me from 7 pm on a Saturday night though, that arouses some concern from me.

He doesn’t really tell me when he is about to go missing he just does. I have no idea when he is going to resurface and it drives me insane. Like I know we are exclusively dating and all that but we are supposed to be building trust and that shit scares me.  I hate it when guys disappear on you because they could literally be doing anything. Also, as a girl your mind just automatically goes to the worst places. Like my go to place is he was out axe throwing and he mis-stepped. The axe then flew through a glass and he is about to get charged by cops for  Vandalism or another common one is you know, he’s cheating on me. My mind works in mysterious ways lol.

One of my friends once told me that she only talked to guys because they made her feel good. They gave her encouragement, or they were fun or just some kind of positive benefit. She said as soon as that stopped, she lost interest. As soon as they started to make her more unhappy than happy she got the hell out of there. I am like the opposite of that, I hold on to relationships, even when I see the Iceberg coming. I try to make everything work. I’m the girl who had a fling with Booty Call for like year, thinking eventually things would change. It’s been a year and literally nothing has changed. He looked me in the eye once and told me that he doesn’t want the things that I want and I still stuck around.  When I told him I was going to officially start dating someone else all he said was “Ummmm Alright” which basically sums up our relationship.

For Picky Eater, I am literally walking on egg shells. I don’t want to fall for him because he already has these bad habits and I’m going to be constantly wondering where he is or what he’s doing. This really sucks because I already really like him.  Sometimes I feel like I am asking too much because so far no guy that I have dated is able to successfully communicate with me. Like this is the beginning of our relationship, at least make me trust you and think you care about me.

My thought is, if you really cared I wouldn’t even have to tell you to do this stuff. You’d just want to do it. Am I right, or am I right?

Golden Rule: Once they stop making you happy, get out of there.

Tips for dudes: Don’t disappear on us, it dilutes our trust for you.

Falling In Love On 5 Texts A Day

Hey guys just had some insights I would like to share.  This week Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas got engaged. Yes Joe Man Whore Jonas and Lady Sansa Stark are lucky enough to find the sanctity of love but still not I. They have been together only for one year and Joe made his decision. It’s like when you know, you know, you know?

I am currently online dating as you all know and I have found a guy that actually attempts to speak with me every day and it’s kind of nice. It’s just that with all the moving parts in our lives, it’s hard to like really get to know each other.  Some days our texts are few and far between and all I want to do is get to know him. I want to get to know him and hopefully eventually fall in love. Isn’t that what we all want? He tries though and I commend him for that.

I know lots of guys who don’t even try.  Let’s make a pact; the next time some guy who claims he cares about you, doesn’t text you for two weeks; promise me you won’t text him either. Now this is the important part; when he does text you, which we know he will. Tell him you were in a terrible row boat accident and literally no longer have any legs. Why would we say such a horrible thing? Because it’s a complete possibility and he would know it wasn’t true if he gave a shit about your life and actually inquired about it once in a while.

Anyway I digress. This is the age of online dating where showing a girl attention is how you get to her heart. I don’t only want attention though, I want commitment.  I want old school falling in love. I want that “I want to see you all the time” feeling. I have that feeling not sure about Picky Eater though. I also want us to spend so much time together that we naturally get to know each other. However times are a changing and the only way to get to know someone now is by playing an endless game of 21 questions. It should be called Infinity Questions (Patent Pending).

This is our new societal norm and I guess we just have to go with it. Way Back in the day to court someone you would have to go over to their house with their parents for afternoon tea lol. Then in the 60’s it was hanging out in diners until you both got fat. I need to accept that dating changes; but my fear now is just wondering if the act of falling in love has changed too.

Being single is hard when you are trying to fall in love in the age of technology.

I do want to say though that Picky Eater is super romantic, and if I were to fall in love with someone, I think he is on the right track. Our third date was amazing, but that’s for another Blog Post lol.

Golden Rule: Adjust to the times.

Tips For Guys: Times are changing but getting to know a girl, is getting to know how special she is. Spend some time with her and I promise it will be worth it.

 

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Thanksgiving Blues

Thanksgiving is upon us. Yes it is Canadian Thanksgiving friends. Yes I’m Canadian lol. I thought this year would be another year of “why aren’t you married? fest 2017”. This year however was reasonably tame. My brother made one single joke of which the punchline was that people who are single are losers, so that was fun. Another huge deal was that I lost for the very first time at Taboo. I know, ridiculous! I just had a bad team setup and there was some drinking and cheating but thats another story for another time.

So its long weekend and I totally want to hang out and have fun with friends. What hinders that you may ask? When all your friends are in relationships and you being the single loser can’t really find anyone to hang out with.  These are the instances when you can’t be mad at your friends but cant help feeling like the single loser in the group. This is probably one of the hardest things about being single; Being Single through the Holidays.

I sat on my bed and tried to find someone to hang out with but there was absolutely no one. You can have tons of friends and family and still feel completely alone. These are the times when it hits you; how you don’t have anyone to share your life with, while everyone else is off sharing theirs. Picky Eater is off being a father; which is great and I am not even allowed to complain because of that fact. I get like two text messages a day but everyone around me says that it’s okay because he has children. Not sure how you get to know someone with two text messages a day. Not sure why he went on Tinder and was apparently trying to find a relationship if he absolutely has no time for it. Not sure why Christopher Robin from Winnie the Pooh isn’t labelled a crazy kid for having full blown conversations with inanimate stuffed animals. Lots of unanswered questions out there, we just have to keep pondering them.

I even texted Booty Call, and yes I still see him from time to time because I am single and allowed to do that. I am not in any one defined relationship.

Thus my conundrum of feeling lonely.

Golden Rule: Have different circles of friends because once they are busy with their BFs, that’s when you really feel single.

Tips For Guys: Be cool and hang out with me every time I ask jeez. lol

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