Hot Mess

What is a hot mess you might ask, well that would be my personal life. I literally think I am doomed to make terrible decisions and choose the wrong guys. Is every guy before Mr. Right supposed to be terribly wrong? Sometimes I feel like my life is a horror movie, maybe like Friday the 13th. This would make sense as every time I have sex, I feel like I get bludgeoned to death by an upset man-boy who was teased at summer camp. Not following? Okay I will dive into all my wrong doings. I think I should change my blog name to “being single is hard as hell and you should probably stop trying”. What do you guys think, too long? Lol.

So, I did not end it with my fling like I said I would. In fact it just got more intense, and our sex….well let’s just say it is currently unbelievable. Now you may be rolling your eyes and thinking… “it can’t be that good”. But I am telling you, after our sex I am literally floating on a cloud talking to little fairy people. No I am not currently high on cannabis. I just want to reiterate that the sex is mind blowing. Like even he admitted it and we all know that’s rare because a guy’s capacity to express anything verbally is quite limited. Sorry guys don’t mean to throw you under the bus there but that has been my experience.

The reason my life is a hot mess is because this guy is clouding my judgement. He has literally got me wrapped around his finger. I think about him constantly and I just want to be with him. He is literally a black hole, sucking me in and I feel like I have no control. He makes me think that we have something special, but just when I think everything is perfect he pushes me away. I am so confused and I have no idea what he is thinking or if he is even thinking about me.  I ignore all other male attention because somewhere deep inside I feel like I am taken, which is NOT the case.

I however have approached a break through. I am not going to invest too much into this relationship. I will keep you guys posted on any updates. More online dating debacles to come, be on standby.

Now you see right….. I’m a Hot Mess.

Golden Rule:  Ladies do not get caught in a sex black hole. Find your way out of the sex haze before it’s too late!

Tips for Guys: Please be straight up with us; just let us know if you are feeling what we are.

Threesome?

No I didn’t have a threesome you perverts, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t asked. Which is flattering but also a bit creepy considering all I said was “Hey!”  After my rough go of online dating you must be wondering….. “Why is she trying again?” The answer is, because I am crazy. Alright now that we are passed that, let’s tackle this cumbersome threesome issue.  (Saw what I did there?) When a guy asks you if you would ever have a threesome… what should your response be?  I have a friend that was asked, by her boyfriend at the time. He asked, “Would you have a threesome?” To which she replied “Sure!” Then she added “You, me and another guy right?”.  The topic of a threesome was never  discussed again. So that’s a good way to handle it.

The way that I handle it is that I block the person on the dating site and never speak to them again. The thing is though; guys really do ask this question a lot. My theory is, if I’m really your favorite girl…. Why would you want to share me? Like I have a favorite pair of shoes and there is no way I am lending that out, not even for one night. Not even if I was going to be in the same place with the person who was wearing it for the whole duration of them wearing it. It’s just not happening. Now I am just angry about someone wearing my favorite pair of shoes but I digress.

I am an uber jealous person so the idea of a threesome just doesn’t work for me. Guys think of it as a fantasy, but would they really want to try it with the woman that they intend to commit to? If a guy brings that up with you… is he really serious about you or your relationship? Ladies! Let me know.

Golden Rule: Never lend out your favorite pair of shoes.

Tips for guys: If you aren’t cool with a two guys, one girl threesome scenario then don’t even bother asking about it. If you are cool with it, we need to have a whole other discussion.

threesome2

Booty Call Consequences

I Can Finally Write About it because it’s Finally Over. Ladies, I have been doing bad things, and now I’m in trouble. With all my self-righteous blogging and my advice on better dating; I haven’t been taking my own advice.  So in my earlier blog “Hunting Cap” I alluded to a fling that I was having because you know, “a girl’s got needs”. This relationship though turned into something totally unhealthy. It was completely my fault because I developed feelings for my booty call. Never fall for your booty call, as it only ends in tears!

It started on a breezy Friday afternoon, lol. Just kidding I don’t remember what day it was or if it was breezy. I met him online and after talking for a week we decided to meet up. I went on this date intending to date him because I told myself that I’m the kind of girl who strictly dated, no hookups. On our date we had a few drinks and started making out in his car, which is not the norm for me. He totally wanted to hookup but I was not having it. After that date he barely texted me and so I assumed he got what he wanted and moved on.  This was before “hunting cap” and the guy that dumped me 2 days before Christmas.

Sometime around Halloween my needs blinded my better judgment and I texted Mr. Hookup.  We subsequently started an affair I guess.  When I met guys who actually wanted to date me, I would tell him that I am currently seeing someone and that we can’t hookup.  He was pretty chill about this because after all it was just a fling. I was also pretty set on the idea that he was not Boyfriend material. After every break up, I would literally run back to him though, which wasn’t a good look for me. He was like therapy for me, proving to myself that I was still desirable even after relationships didn’t work out.

Long story short things started to change. Somewhere along the line he started changing. Picking fights with me, accused me of lying. He didn’t trust me, but in my mind there was no reason for all this because it was just a fling. Then I started having feelings for him because I thought these actions meant maybe there was something more. There wasn’t.  I think at one point he actually started liking me but then he pushed away his feelings… like most guys do. I started liking him so much that I stopped looking for an actual boyfriend and started thinking he was an option. Not the case. The biggest mistake I made was telling him that I had feelings for him. That gave him all the power and he now knew that I was at his Beck & Call. He literally told me that once.

I had to end it because I was constantly getting hurt. Apart from amazing sex and I mean AMAZING! There wasn’t anything else that he had to offer. I have made up my mind to stop seeing him. I have decided to just be single… though it’s so hard.  I feel like I need to figure out who I am and what I want. Until then I will keep sharing my bizarre online dating stories with you and hopefully through it all, find a meaningful relationship.

Phew this was a heavy post! I have no golden rule or tips for guys this time around. Instead I wanted to know if my readers had any tips for me.

Love that I can share this with you guys and keep reading things get funnier.

 

The Art of Ghosting

Ghosting is a tricky beast. When should I ghost? Who should I ghost? The answer is never and no one. The real question is “what would it feel like if I were ghosted?”. Needless to say through my horrific online dating experiences I have been ghosted multiple times. I try my best not to ghost people because I don’t think it’s fair. This person actually liked you enough to speak with you, so unless this person is giving off a serious Freddy Cougar vibe please politely decline. The worst type of ghosting is when you have been actively texting a guy for maybe two full days and out of nowhere he unfriends you on Facebook and never replies to your messages.  Its like “what the heck did I do? I just asked what you were having for dinner.”

If you are online dating and you say you have not been ghosted or have not been the “ghostee” (new word, patent pending), you are totally lying. Even I, the self-righteous blogger have ghosted. But only when things have gotten really weird. I try not to ghost until it’s absolutely necessary. Cases such as these:

Comelivewithme2

maniac2

Third Person2

 

Golden Rule: Ghosting is bad until absolutely necessary.

Tips for Guys: Stop being weird, sheesh!

The Notebook Theory

So my biggest fear in life is being the widow from the Notebook. You know the one… the lady that is sleeping with Noah while he isn’t with Allie. I believe her name was Martha Shaw.  What if everyone else’s life including my ex boyfriends is their own personal version of the notebook. Ever feel like everyone out there is finding their true love while you are stuck being Martha Shaw? The widow that was the dinner making, sex having pit stop for Noah until Allie came back. So this is a pretty dark theory based on some personal issues (see previous post “Sweet Nothings”).

For some reason I think that I met and lost something special because my ex, (let’s call him “Noah”) is off being in-love with someone else and its posted all over social media. Sure it’s up to me not to go clicking but who can really resist. I need to see their life and if they are happy even though it tortures me. Has anyone ever been through this?

I mean where are the nice guys? Who actually mean it when they say they want a relationship? Are we meeting the nice guys too late and they have already fallen in love with someone else? I leave you with a sweet yet a little creepy message I received on my dating App. If only this guy was normal. See message below.

Golden Rule: Trying to figure out your love life may lead to some weird theories.

Tips for Guys: Please, Please! If you are in love with someone else, don’t go on a dating site claiming that you are looking for a relationship.

Niceguypic

And His Name Was “Hunting Cap”

Hello Ladies! I’m sorry I left you for a bit again. I was once again trying out a relationship which was empty and void as most are. This time I was skeptical thanks to my previous bout with “almost love”.  I was suspicious the entire time. Within two weeks of talking to this guy he asked me to be his GF. No idea why that fast but I wasn’t really in a position to say no (as I desperately wanted to be someone’s GF). I was eager to jump into something else because my ex told me he found his soulmate and had to leave me. I was adamant at showing him that I could find my soul mate too. Evidently I can’t as I am the author of a singles blog lol.

So it was a whirl wind, we dated for about a month. (This is my new record lol) In the beginning it was all texts all the time. He was there for me through a bit of a tough time in my life. (let’s just say 2017 hasn’t been a cake walk.)  I knew deep down this guy wasn’t the one, but I thought “there is no reason he couldn’t be Mr. Right Now”. I desperately wanted to give this guy a chance. After about 2 weeks the text messaging got really light. Maybe like 1 a day. (much like the ladies vitamin which I seriously recommend. Especially the gummies but I digress.) So this guy or shall we call him “Hunting Cap” was in school and also worked very odd hours which I was very much aware of when I entered the relationship. However he assured me more than once that he would make time to see me and hang out with me.  When the texts started getting light I tried to break it off, as I felt myself having anxiety constantly waiting for a text from my so called “Boyfriend”. When I tried to break it off, he literally begged me not to. He said he could make this work and that he didn’t want to just give up. So he got a second chance.

I don’t want to drag this on but this story ends with him ignoring me on a day when I planned to celebrate his upcoming birthday. I bought cheesecake for him (I strongly dislike cheesecake), I got his favorite beer and was fully ready to order takeout. Invited him over to my house to have a special pre-birthday hang out, I thought I was being nice. Apparently this sounded like a day in a hell dimension to “Hunting Cap”.  He didn’t text me for like a full maybe 24-36 hours. While I text him like 100 times asking where he was?….what he was doing?…was he still coming? I was met with radio silence. I finally indicated through text that we were over and that I couldn’t carry on in a relationship like this. The following day he simply explained that he left his phone at his friend’s house. HIS FRIEND’S HOUSE! Sorry for yelling but is that not just the lamest excuse in the book.  Then he stated that he didn’t have time for me and that I should go find myself someone who had time for me (slap in the face much?). That was the end of that. So 2/2 relationships tried ended in disaster.  I am currently on a dating hiatus…. I call it Man free March. My idea of man free though does not discount my occasional tryst which just keeps all my needs met if you know what I am saying (wink, wink.)  Don’t worry I am not keeping secrets, there will be an impending blog post coming up with the details.

So why do we call him hunting cap you ask? That’s what he got me for my birthday. A hunting cap… A HUNTING CAP! There has been a lot of yelling in this post and I do apologize. I repetitively told him that I would never go hunting with him as that was his thing. But what does he get his ultra girly girlfriend for her birthday. A hunting cap. Not a bath bomb from Lush, which should be every guy’s go to…. But a hunting cap. Okay rant over. Picture of hunting cap below, please let me know if anyone would like to take it off my hands.

Golden Rule:  Try not to date a guy who has too much on his plate, as it makes for a lot of anxiety on your end.

Tips For Guys: Never buy a girl a hunting cap for any occasion, not even if she is actually going hunting with you. If Kate Spade starts a line of hunting caps this tip may be altered.

hunting cap

Sweet Nothings

So ladies, Happy New Year first of all! Glad to be back! There were some serious progressions in my dating life so let’s get right to it.

I thought I found him ladies! I thought I was about to have a boyfriend… I thought I was about to have a Christmas boyfriend, a new year’s kiss, a date for valentines, and a 6 month anniversary at least. I was contemplating abandoning this blog because I would no longer be single. I could stop being harassed by strangers on online dating sites. I really thought this was it! But of course, life does not work that way. Life actually very much likes to get your hopes up and then it dumps  you two days before Christmas. Well life didn’t do that, a guy did.  You can probably already guess that my relationship ended like an episode of the bachelor when that overly dramatic girl does not get a rose and just sits on the sidewalk and cries on camera for an hour. There were tears and maybe a little bit of vomit… that’s how hurt I was, but let me start from the beginning.

Have you ever met a guy online that you just clicked with…… no?…. yeah me either, until this guy. He wasn’t a perve, he didn’t ask to meet up after three sentences, he actually talked to me like a human person and he was super interesting. So here I am the hopeless romantic, stunned that I have met a gentleman. So what do I do ladies? I lock that shit down, or at least I thought I did. I let our convos naturally progress, then I gave him my number and then within a week and a half we were on our first date.

That first week was like heaven, I got the sought after morning texts! We talked constantly throughout the day, wanting to know as much about each other that we possibly could. Well at least I wanted to, because I was so into this guy. I thought he was so cool, and of course he would say the absolute sweetest things to me. He said I was beautiful, pretty, desirable and the perfect woman. I mean which girl can resist that?  On our first date I met his mom and his dogs (don’t ask how or why, let’s just say I went with the flow).  Everything was perfect. I thought maybe I could be honest and not play by normal dating rules because he was definitely boyfriend material.

We talked for 3 weeks and I will admit I was falling……. probably flat-out fell on my face. I thought he was feeling the same. So I was super surprised when my “boo” called me on December 23rd, to let me know that he had some “bad news”. Not that he would ever read this but babe never start a breakup with “bad news”; I thought someone died for Pete’s sake. (Where does this expression come from, who is Pete?)

He said a girl that he was seeing before, that had moved away suddenly moved back. He said that he was meant to be with her and that it is fated for him and her to be together. He literally used the word fate. (Eye roll) I don’t what I was more devastated about… the fact that he was telling a girl that saw a future with him that he was in love with and supposed to be with someone else or the fact that I would now have to start all over again trying to find a guy on bloody dating sites.

Needless to say I felt like road kill. I cried for about a week. I guess I was mourning the loss of my self-esteem. He literally threw me out like a piece of trash when this other girl moved back. Maybe I was just a stand in. Maybe all the affection he was showing me was actually what he was feeling for her. He swore to me that our three weeks were not a lie and that he meant every word that he said but he keeps insisting that he is meant to be with another.

At this point, I have no idea what to believe. I would love to think that he actually cared about me, but then I just figure you don’t dump a girl in that manner if you actually cared. I summed up all the things he said to be sweet nothings (gave new meaning to that Calvin Harris song.). This guy had me stumble through the holiday season like a heartless zombie; even my mom noticed I was being weird. Anyway I have now reclaimed some semblance of self and is proudly back out there trying to find someone true. It’s going to be like pretty hard though for another guy to get close to me after this traumatic event. I absolutely hate it when one person ruins it for everyone else, it’s exactly like when that annoying kid pees in the pool on that super-hot summer day (gross).

Golden Rule: Guard you’re heart and try not to fall too fast!

Tips for Guys: I literally have none, just a question. You can’t all be heartless…. Can you?

 

The List

I was speaking to this good looking guy online. I thought all was going well, could I have actually found a decent guy? (Very Unlikely, thus the need for this blog.) Then he lets me know that he has a very particular set of skills…. JK, that’s what Liam Neeson says in the movie Taken. What he actually said, was that he had a very specific list of all the things he needs in a woman in order to even consider her.  As usual I am shocked but curious. I asked him what his specifications were.

So before I go on, I just want to say I am not judging this guy because kudos to him for knowing what he wants. I mean my list consists of Tall, handsome, car and tall. That’s about it.  If I have too many specifications I would be considered snooty I think and I certainly don’t want to be snooty & alone. So my bar at the moment is pretty darn low. Before I reveal his very interesting character traits that his ideal woman should have, I would like to mention that though he was good looking, tall and had a car. In no way shape or form was this guy Casanova.  But the show must go on. Here are his traits for the perfect woman:

the-list

Clearly after listing these qualities, I quickly told him that he was barking up the wrong tree here. Not because I didn’t have any of those qualities, but simply because this list existed. He somewhat disagreed as he was sure there were a few things off the list that could be taught (which I thought was a bit arrogant of him). I just told him that I would prefer not to date a guy with a list because society already has enough rules that I have to follow. Things get a bit over whelming when there are so many qualities and characteristics to keep track of. Let me know what you think ladies!

Also Merry Christmas when it comes, ya filthy animals!

Golden Rule: Know what you want ladies, but make sure the bar isn’t unattainable.

Tips for Guys: Guys don’t be too picky; Mrs. Right may be scared off by all your rules.

Were you raised by wolves?

Now this seems to be a recurring theme but we must delve into the issue regardless. The first message that a guy sends to a girl is critical. We all know the “hey” or “hi” could be better. We would sure take that over “let’s go to Bruce peninsula for our first date” (refer to earlier post “Serial Kill Me Why Don’t You?”)(look at us already having inside jokes). Regardless of what you say first to a lady, make is something at least tolerable. So the catalyst of this post is a young man who thought he could address me as a “gyal” on our first encounter. Now for those of you not familiar with Caribbean culture, this word is not the most endearing way to address  a lady. In fact, according to urban dictionary (clutch):  the word “gyal” pronounced Gee-Yal (one syllable), Used by Caribbean people (or fools who think they’re cool) for “girl”, “lady” or “female”.  I am so happy that the writer of the very prestigious and multifaceted urban dictionary included “fools who think they’re cool” because I honestly could not have put it better myself. Please feel free to look this up yourself. It’s on the internet which makes all definitions from that dictionary totally legit. So without further a due please see the following actual bone head that addressed me as a gyal. A guy that addresses a girl as a gyal right out of the gate has not issues calling you a ‘ho” (not the garden tool), a bitch or my least favorite c*nt. I know you may think I am going a bit overboard, but if that’s the first thing that comes to his mind when he sees a girl that may potentially be the “one”. What would he address a “ho” as then?…… beautiful. Maybe it was opposite day and I was not informed.

Let’s say this guy was just trying to be funny, to get my attention. Then please put a “jk” after, like the entire English speaking world does when we are making a joke.  Regardless of what this guy was thinking, I was over him before he got a second sentence in.

Golden Rule: Ladies don’t reply to just anything, an ill-mannered guy is an un-date-able guy!

Tips for guys: Just go with “Hi” or “Hey Beautiful” (works like a charm)

aygyal

Mr. Rude Guy

So we all have that guy who messages us and we do not message them back. Sure they don’t say anything outrageous like “Wanna see my balls?” but they are just not your type. So what do we do? We freeze them out; we read their message and simply never reply (fully aware that they can see that we have read their message).  Us ladies at times think that this is nicer than replying “not that into you”. So of course when I am practicing this age old tradition (known as ghosting) I get called out for it by a not so lovely gentleman.

not-nice-guyLike everyone does this guy, why the hell are you talking to me about it?  Also the thought never crossed your mind that I was super not interested in you and thus did not reply to your very low energy salutation. Nope it didn’t occur to him, it did occur to him to be rude though. Also just for the record I didn’t even look at this guy’s profile and I did not dignify his rudeness with a response. I didn’t even want to bring up the fact that his headline, “A need A nice and caring girl” is the opposite of English or grammar. Nope didn’t bring that up at all. I think that made me the bigger person in this scenario, don’t you?

Golden Rule: If I don’t like you, I won’t respond………….. no hard feelings?

Tips for guys: Please refrain from being rude!