Let’s Find Some Good!

Hi Ladies,

How sad is it that now that I actually have the time to blog, I haven’t been? What have I been doing you might ask?

I have been gaining weight, eating while trying to lose weight. Confusing I know. I have been trying to figure out my passion in life which is actually really hard. Like what am I good at? Maybe writing?

I read a quote that said you don’t find out your passion by thinking, you find out your passion by doing. I want to definitely do more.

I also jumped on the Tik Tok wave. Made a few videos and now I am just wondering what I am doing there. I mean I am 30 after all. So now I am thinking how to make Tik Toks that are relevant, funny and helpful. I don’t plan on twerking on my Tik Tok…… I know, how disappointing.  I haven’t quite figured out what to post. When I do, I will drop a link in here.

I have been stressing about my day job, wondering when I will return. When life will return to normal? Who knows? I am trying to come out of this time a better person, a more thoughtful person. Perhaps someone with a new skill………but honestly I haven’t accomplished any of that. I have spent most of the time worrying about what the future holds.

How’s Brad you might ask? He is good. He is lucky enough to be essential in these times so his life has generally not changed. We have been managing to see each other from time to time but definitely not enough. We have been fighting over the phone a bit and that’s just because of this stressful time and the lack of quality time(SEX!). What can I say? I recognize why we are behaving this way and I am actively trying to maybe find a new normal through these weird times.

What can we do in this time to not feel sad or worried or restless? Nothing, feel your feelings. Just try to find the good  along the way. Watch your favorite shows, eat your favorite foods, get fat! (who cares?!) and just try to be happy about the little things. You are alive, you are not sick, you can laugh, you have the capacity to grieve. Let’s just try to feel good.

Let me know how you guys are doing! Let me know some good things that are going on in your lives!

Not Exactly Easy

Hi Folks!

So as I mentioned, I am not seeing Brad during this quarantine. It has now been almost a month. I am being super safe though I live with mom and she has to go out to work. She is also taking every precaution. Brad has to still go to work and he is taking precautions.

Knowing all this, I was hoping that Brad and I would still see each other periodically but Brad has told me that he is not comfortable with this. That’s a bit frustrating for me…… he said he is doing this because he doesn’t want me to get sick as I have Asthma. And also for his family.

At this point, he is seeing everyone in his life except for me. So needless to say, I am not excited about this whole scenario. He is doing this for the greater good of humanity. Me, I’m just going insane. My job is up in the air, lockdown just keeps extending but Atleast I still have my boo. Wait…. can’t see him either.

So during this time of not seeing each other, communication is key. I realize that communication for most men is hard and so that just makes me even more frustrated.

I was speaking to my mom about Brad’s decisions he’s made and how stubborn he is about everything. If he makes up his mind to do something for whatever reason; be it plausible or not, he’s gonna do it. Sometimes I’m pretty sure whatever I say has not effect at all on his decision making. My mom told me that this is never going to change. This is Brad. There is no bending or molding.

It’s been almost two years and now we don’t even see each other. We only communicate by text of phone. And so in this peculiar situation you start to notice things you didn’t before.

There is a pandemic happening and in these times you try to cling to what makes you feel safe or happy. It’s hard to cling to that thing when you feel like you have also been quarantined from it. He says I need to look at the bigger picture. It may be weeks, it may be months. Nothing about that is comforting. This is the moment when I need him more than ever….. but he’s so far away.

This is a sad time for people losing their loved ones and this is a sad time for lovers that are apart. Communication is what’s going to get us through this, so try to communicate better.

I’m trying to stay positive throughout all this and I hope everyone stays safe and healthy.

Quarantine

Hi Ladies,

I won’t be one of those people who complain about being bored in quarantine even though I am. As I understand that it’s saving all our lives by doing so.

As we discussed in my previous post, I am not quarantining with Brad for various safety precautions. Earlier today it was announced that this could go on for 12 more weeks.

Now ladies if you are shacked up with your significant other right now, you have won. You are winning. I am horny, crazy, bored and at this point just sad. I am trying not to think of three of the longest months of the year rolling by while I’m stuck staring at my ceiling. At this point, I won’t be seeing Brad until the middle of summer.

I honestly am feeling a plethora of emotions right now. Was I a thief in another life? Should we have moved in together sooner? And I get it, besides my relationship there is a whole pandemic happening. With so much chaos and uncertainty, this is when we need our loved ones most and I don’t have Brad.

We talk on the phone and we play games together but for me, nothing can replace physical time together. He is currently still going to work and I’m not. So at this point he’s seeing everyone in his life except me. I understand all the risks of seeing each other but I’m not going to lie this sucks in a major way.

Imagine; Dating, Falling in love, getting attached, looking to live together and then boom 3-4 months apart. That’s pretty natural right?

I have told him that my biggest fear is that some aspects of our relationship will change after spending so much time apart. I feel myself retreating and getting even more closed off. It’s my defense mechanism. I can’t cry all day so I have to distance myself from the situation.

I honestly don’t know what the future holds for any of us. I am sending good vibes out to anyone stuck in the house away from their significant other. At this point our 2 year anniversary will be spent away from each other.

This is a crazy time and I have no advice for anyone except stay safe and try to retain your sanity.

Love In The Time Of Corona

Hi Ladies,

I just want to start off by saying, this is a pretty crazy time. The spread of Covid-19 is happening pretty rapidly and self isolation is definitely helping to fight it. That’s being said, man it’s pretty hard on a relationship.

With my love language being quality time and touch, none of that is happening at the moment. We don’t live together so we aren’t quarantined together. On top of the economy plummeting and all the uncertainties of the future here comes relationship fears.

Okay, so we don’t see each other for 3 weeks,. We don’t have anything to talk about because there isn’t much going on besides covid-19. What happens then?

Did I mention that Brad is an introvert? This is his dream. The government actually telling everyone to stay home. He can play video games all day, eat and sleep. That’s probably most guys dreams. So here I am competing with a freaking perfect scenario. I literally have anxiety about the next time we’ll be able to see each other. The other thing is I’d love to like share how I’m feeling and stuff about this crazy pandemic with him. Sometimes a girl needs physical comfort.

Anyway so that’s what’s been going on. #NObrad #quarentinealone

Golden Rule: Stay inside and wash your hands.

Tips for Guys: Even in these scary times, your girl needs to know you care.

Stress Eating

Hi Ladies!

What happens when work is stressing you out, you only see your man 2 times a week, 3 if you’re lucky and your friends live some distance away?

You start stress eating. This week alone, I have eaten sooo much crap. At work I just like drinking diet pop to keep me going. That’s not good for me. I always feel super bloated after.

Then I don’t see my boyfriend, so I just go home and eat alone. Then go to bed.

Bottom line is, I hate being fat. Then I look in the mirror and I’m like WTF?! And then that stresses me out. Who’s a brides maid in two weddings this year? Yup, I am! It’s just the perfect year to be chubby, stressed and annoyed.

By the way, this is me being positive lol. Today was a good day until I saw how chubby I was and how alone I felt.

Brad works nights every other week but sometimes it’s like two weeks in a row. It’s pretty sad because I literally am doing everything by myself in the week. That would be okay if my friends were around but they are all like a 45 minute drive. I mean….. should I make new friends?

IDK, I just wanted to vent a little.

Yours Truly,

Chubby Chubby Bunny.

Thirty, Flirty and Tired

Hello Ladies!

My day job is taking over my life but here lies my true passion. I have recently turned the big 3 0! It’s shocking. I literally thought I would be in my 20’s forever or forever 21.

Now that I have entered a new chapter, I am looking forward to all adulthood is ready to teach me. Probably weird health things, or I assume my organs will need to be checked or something. I suddenly start to fee real sluggish around 9 PM, is that an old people thing?

Brad and I hosted a giant party for my birthday at his house. It was delightful. My hunny got me the most perfect cake and the cutest gifts. My friends were all around me. It was pretty much a kickass birthday. The only thing is, now I’ve gotta top it!

Brad and I are in a really good place despite all the past drama. For the most part there hasn’t been any other woman running interference. I’m looking ahead into our future which I think is Uber bright.

Well that’s it folks! I made it to 30 and only cried a handful of times so that’s an accomplishment!

I’ll keep y’all posted on what’s coming next!

Delicate Dance

Hi Ladies,

If being single is hard, being in a relationship is even harder. It’s a delicate dance of do we or don’t we. This relationship that I’m currently in is by far the most significant one that I have ever had with any other partner. And sometimes it’s just not what I expect.

I watch Rom Coms where things are constantly romantic and where your partner should be like the person who’s company you most enjoy.

No where in the Rom Com is there a part about not being able to sleep comfortably with your partner or like needing time a part. Or like being confused about when it’s appropriate to spend time together and when to spend time apart. Or just like feeling like you’re on the same page but different paragraphs.

I need to learn but honestly I can’t get the gist.

Here’s me, looking myself in the mirror telling myself I need to change. I need to be okay with certain things and I need to not let every little thing make me feel crappy. I need to get busy, I need to work out and I need to feel valued by myself.

Golden Rule: Sometimes, you need to have an honest talk with yourself about what you want out of a relationship and if it’s reasonable to have.

Tips for guys: If your girl wants to cuddle, freakin cuddle.

What A Year 2020 Will Be

Ladies! Sound the alarm, my blog has been infiltrated. Hide your wives, hide your children, JK. No but seriously I think our past lovers have come back to haunt us or furious attempted lovers. Where do I start? With the juicy information? Nope!

Happy New Year you filthy animals! It’s 2020, we are getting dangerously close to cyborgs and hover boards. Over the holidays Brad and I took a massive road trip to Maine to visit my sister. We had a lovely picturesque snowy Christmas there. Then we drove through upstate NY on our way back. This trip really brought us closer together and pointed out some key information to me about our relationship. The most important one is that we can drive in a car together for 6 hours with only one break without wanting to kill each other. Okay there was maybe one argument but scouts honor that was it.

My sister sure approved of him with her closing statement being “He’s Tall.” She made him reach all the high cupboards and take down things she hadn’t seen for years. Well you get it, Christmas was mint.

On to New Years. We went to one of Brad’s family friends house for a party. It was a lot of games, food, drinks and really loud people. Brad and I had our midnight smooch but sadly didn’t get to seal the deal that night. (Wink)

Am I being way more raunchy? Idk, new year, new……. writing style?

As for the drama, I won’t give anyone the satisfaction of going into detail but basically I think someone out there would like for Brad and I to part ways. To what end, I have no clue.

My last blog was a bit emotionally raw and true. I want you all to know that relationships, even really good ones such as mine, have their low points. Brad and I did have an epic fight surrounding the subject of my last blog. (If you wanna know so bad, go read it!)

We have since mended and put the past behind us because we know who we are and what we have. We know we are building a future and we also know that we aren’t perfect! I love my hunny and plan to stick with him through the ups and downs. I won’t pull a Hillary but he knows way better than to pull a Bill.

No golden rule on this one. I’m just sending all my readers good vibes and wishing you all the very best for your new year!

We Are Not Perfect

Hi Ladies,

I just wanted to let you guys know that no relationship is perfect. Brad and I have been having this on-going issue, involving another girl outside of our relationship. Now when I met Brad he came encompassed with all these young, female (some single, some not) friends. Like most girls who start a new relationship I was not comfortable.

Brad has made profound improvements in this regard. He really tries to stay clear of anything that makes me uncomfortable or any interactions that he knows will make me feel not great. However, lol. One still remains.

There is a particular friend whom we have had controversies with concerning some interactions. Stuff that any girl would feel weird about or not appreciate. The problem is that with this particular human, Brad doesn’t really agree that some things were inappropriate.

When he is with this particular individual something else happens. His phone is a deadzone lol. So say I’m chatting away, just telling him usual stuff, expecting a response. Maybe not right away but like within a reasonable time. I’ll either get no response or like weird half answers. So Ofcourse I didn’t feel great about that. And I would notice it most with this particular girl. Like I would just feel the distance.

I have discussed this with Brad and since then have seen major improvements. He has had to actively try to stay attentive when this person is around. Which makes me feel eeeeeeeek. He says it’s because they don’t get to see each other that much so when they do, they have lots to say. I also basically just need to accept this as I do get quite upset every time it happens. Shouldn’t I be use to this by now?

In the most recent incident she asked Brad something that had somewhat to do with me. And like it just feels like my feelings were not considered you know. It just felt like this thing was only about her. And it sucked. After the fact Brad and I discussed but there is like no going back on this thing. Also I would think if it was between me being upset and her being upset. Mine would be more crucial or important but I felt like that wasn’t the case.

This is the one thing that hasn’t really changed much in almost two years. There is no shaking her. And I feel terrible for being that girlfriend that steps in the way of friendships. My fear is that there may be something more than friendship happening there but Brad vehemently disagrees. I feel like freakin Darth Vader every time I bring it up.

Because Ofcourse she’s like a happy little fairy girl. Who doesn’t like that right? While I’m an overthinking, intellectual adult who still allows a fairy girl to make me feel like shit.

Naturally in these scenarios where someone else has your boyfriends attention, you start to over analyze and compare. And comparison is never good. I compact every interaction they have ever had into a little box. And every time she’s brought up, I open this little box and all the uncomfortable feelings seep out. Kinda like in that movie the ring where like that dead girls hair just like comes out of no where and stifles you. Super similar to that.

Brad Ofcourse hates that I do this. Because he literally doesn’t remember anything that has happened with this person past last Tuesday. Is that like a guy thing?

So anyway, this is my dilemma. This problem is not going anywhere as he has to see this person on a semi-regular basis. Some aspects of this situation does make me feel insecure. The usual questions. Am I not interesting enough? Not pretty enough? Not fairy like enough?

Because intrinsically that’s what happens. I don’t feel like enough. I should be so enough that no other human can do this. As no other human does this to me in regards to Brad. But that’s just it. Brad and I are different and see things differently.

So then I’ll think like maybe I’m just being too sensitive or maybe a bit over critical. But then I bring up specific scenarios with my friends and even my MOM. And my mom would say, “hmmmmm something doesn’t seem right with this girl.”

So that’s the dilemma. I have no advice this week but I sure need some.

Paradox

Hi Ladies,

It’s been a while. I haven’t been writing that much, and its not that nothing is happening in my life. Its actually exactly the opposite, so much is happening. Things are happening at work, things are in the works for buying a house with Brad and things are happening in my now almost two year relationship.

Look at me being in a relationship for almost two years. Of-course we all know this is a learning curve for me, especially with my track record of ex boyfriends. There are so many new and interesting discussions that Brad and I have that I have never even thought of talking to another human about.

Like for one, we argue about my faith a lot and his lack thereof. Brad does not believe in God, he believes in science. I don’t think the two oppose or disproves each other, I am one of those weirdos who think they go hand in hand. (Like Darwin, he was a devout Christian, look it up!)

Needless to say we have had some pretty heated arguments about this. We debate on what religion our children would be. That would be an example of one of those conversations I never thought I would have. In the end we just have to agree to disagree as we are both pretty firm on our points.

The next thing that has come up in our relationship is SEX. If you have been with me from the start you know the nature of some of my past relationships. They were primarily just sex. And now my relationship is so much more than sex and I super have to adjust to that. I need to not treat Brad like a piece of meat, which I do sometimes. Man, being in a relationship has a huge learning curve.

Here’s the bit I have been having to learn the most. Being happy on my own and not being reliant on Brad for happiness. He has actually expressed this to me many times. Here is where I struggle ladies. I have a great job, I am sexy, I am smart but I also absolutely thought your relationship was where you put all your emotional energies. Like I still, at this point, want to be with Brad all the time. As life would have it, he is the total opposite. He doesn’t want to see me all the time, or he can manage without it. I’m not so good at managing that.

I equate happiness as being in a happy relationship but Brad says that’s not the case. So I have been on my quest for happiness outside of my relationship. Life is hard sometimes, so that’s kind of tricky but I am determined on finding it.

Brad is literally always happy, he’s like Will Ferrel in Elf. Where as I’m the Grinch. so needless to say, I have some cheering up to do.

Have I mentioned that every other person that I know has become engaged in the last month. Every time I see an engagement ring on social media and literally hear my eggs crying out to me. The biological clock is no lie, but I think only women can hear it ticking away.

Those are the major updates. I am adjusting to life in a serious relationship which should also not be my only source of JOY. What a paradox eh?

Golden Rule: Find your own happiness.

Tips for Guys: If everyone is getting engaged, maybe you should too? or is that too jump off a cliffy? (I just made that word up)